Obama Explains Rick Warren

A lot of you are upset by my choice of Rick Warren to deliver the invocation at my inauguration. I know that many of you, particularly gay and lesbian Americans have been bothered by my choice of Pastor Warren due to his socially conservative view.. And I felt that Americans deserved an explanation.

(Guitar Riff)

Barack Obama (BA): I'm fucking Rick Warren.
Rick Warren (RW): He's fucking Rick Warren
BA: The only lube we use is spit.
BA: I'm fucking Rick Warren.
RW: He's fucking Rick Warren
BA: Cause he's a hypocrite
RW: In a pew, in a cage, after I preach on the stage. In the church, in the state, and after the debate.
BA: I'm fucking Rick Warren.
RW: He's fucking Rick Warren
BA: Your president is black
BA: I'm fucking Rick Warren.
RW: He's fucking Rick Warren.
RW: In the Saddleback. It's funny America because Saddleback sound gay and it's also the name of my church. Well, now you know.
BA: Yea. It's ironic.
BA: Hey America. Don't take it bad. remember all the good times. Like the time I said I made fun of John McCain for saying we'd stay in Iraq 100 years, then created a troop withdrawal plan to leave 40,000 troops in Iraq indefinitely.
Girls: Who's that coming to the White House?
Boys: Who? Who?
Girls: Imefa
Boys: Imefa who?
Girls: I'm fucking Rick Warren.
Boys: He's fucking Rick Warren.
BA: I'm fucking Rick Warren.
RW: He's fucking Rick Warren.
BA: You're used to Bush fucking you.
BA: I'm fucking Rick Warren.
RW: He's fucking Rick Warren.
BA: Pastors need cock too,
BA: Remember when I said that I was going to bring change to America? I was fucking Rick Warren.
RW: Remember when I asked Barack about his views on gay marriage and abortion. He was definitely fucking Rick Warren.
BA: Remember when I said I was going to bring back bipartisanship. I was fucking Rick Warren.
BA: In a pew, in a cage, after he preaches on the stage. In the church, in the state, and after each debate.

[ For an explanation http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WLG3S5WzHig ]

Look at me, I'm Larry Craig

Larry Craig, to the Tune of Sandra Dee

Look at me, I'm Larry Craig
Not even just one bit gay
Won't use a stall for a BJ call
I can't; I'm Larry Craig

Know this! I hate Doris Day
I was not brought up that way
Won't suck a cock,
Not even hard as a Rock
I said that I'm not gay

I don't suck (no)
Or blow (no)
I don't get on my knees (eew)
I get ill from one little prick
(cough, cough, cough)
Keep your filthy hands
Off my underpants
Don't you know I'm a senator?

As for you Officer blue,
Didn't know what you tried to do
Started to tap
While taking a crap
I'm just plain Larry Craig

Senate, senate, let me be!
No reason to investigate me!
Just let it slide
Romney just took my hide
Don't be snide, I'm Larry Craig!

July 21, 2007 & Whoa Dick Cheney

* President Bush relinquished power to Vice President Dick Cheney while Bush underwent a colonoscopy. While Vice President Cheney was acting president he issued numerous executive orders. First he pardoned I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, who had been convicted of perjury and whose appeal was pending. He then abolished the U.S. National Archives and Records Administration. Cheney then entered into a contract with Halliburton to shred all records of Cheney's Vice Presidency currently on file in the Archives. Lastly, Cheney issued an executive statement that the Defense of Marriage Act did not apply to lesbian couples who had babies born on May 23, 2007 and were Republicans.

* Senator John McCain's campaign today was devastated when the toy poodle brought in to be his campaign manager was signed up by Senator Fred Thompson to be Senator Thompson's wife's dog. McCain's campaign staff now entirely consists of a photograph of Joe Lieberman; however, there are rumors that the photograph has been negotiating with former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney. McCain restructured his campaign staff earlier this week, laying off hundreds of staff. The poodle, which previously belonged to Senator McCain's wife, had not be drawing a salary. It appears that the toy poodle left over a disagreement whether the poodle or the photograph of Joe Lieberman would be the one driving the Straight Talk Express. However, it is also rumored that the poodle has been promised the position of first dog in a Thompson presidency, which was more appealing than the position of Secretary of the Interior, which had been promised by McCain.

* Joe Biden's campaign suffered another setback today when Senator Biden referred to former first lady and wife of President Lyndon Johnson, Lady Bird Johnson, as a "stupid cunt" in his statement at the passing of her death.

* Rudy Giuliani made the following statement, "As I stood there on 9/11 I thought of what a great first Lady that Lady Bird Johnson was. And I tried to lead New York after 9/11 with the grace of Mrs. Johnson. And it was my leadership after 9/11 that prevented al Queda from bringing about the destruction of the world. And I thought thank god that Lady Bird Johnson wasn't killed on 9/11. And if Lady Bird Johnson were
alive today, she would say how important it is that 9/11 be remembered and that the next president be someone who led on 9/11. Thank you. 9/11. 9/11. 9/11."

* The former mayor of Newark, Sharpe James, was indicted today on conspiracy to murder Tony Soprano. Mayor James vehemently protested his innocence. "I'm not saying I liked Tony Soprano. But our business dealings were totally legit. And there is no evidence that that suspicious guy who went into the bathroom did anything there but pee. I mean just because Michael Corleone took a gun outta the bathroom doesn't mean that's how I whacked Tony Soprano. I mean, would whack Tony Soprano, which I didn't." James then added, "And I didn't pick that stupid Celine Dion song to be Hillary Clinton's campaign theme song either."

* The Transportation Security Administration stated today that in addition to allowing lighters on planes it would allow small handguns to be carried on so long as such firearms were not loaded. Water will still be prohibited.

* Correction: In last Thursday's issue we ran a review of the seventh Harry Potter book, Death Hallows. That review was based on a copy of the book that was obtained legally. However, the review may have contained spoilers that were inaccurate. Thus we may have been wrong when we stated that Voldemort was Harry Potter's father, that the final horcrux was Harry's boyhood sled Rosebud, that Soylent Green is made of muggles, that Dumbledor was shot by Sue Ellen's sister, that Professor Minerva McGonagall is a man, and that Ron and Hermione are dead people that only Harry Potter can see. We apologize for the inconvenience and would like to note that this retraction is not in any way based on the lawsuit filed against us by Scholastic.

* "Whoa Dick Cheney" sung to the tune of Black Betty, by Ram Jam

Whoa Dick Cheney (wah-wah-wah)
Whoa Dick Cheney (wah-wah-wah)
Dick Cheny hid a doc (wah-wah-wah)
Oversight was a croc (wah-wah-wah)
He said, "I'm not part of the exec" (wah-wah-wah)
"Congress go to heck." (wah-wah-wah)

Rahm said, "No Dick Cheney." (wah-wah-wah)
No. Dick Cheney (wah-wah-wah)

Whoa Dick Cheney (wah-wah-wah)
Whoa Dick Cheney (wah-wah-wah)
Google hid his house (wah-wah-wah)
Can't find it with a mouse (wah-wah-wah)
He's never to blame (wah-wah-wah)
Fuck Valerie Plame (wah-wah-wah)

Whoa Dick Cheney (wah-wah-wah)
Whoa Dick Cheney (wah-wah-wah)

Whoa Dick Cheney (wah-wah-wah)
Whoa Dick Cheney (wah-wah-wah)
Location undisclosed (wah-wah-wah)
Shot a friend in the nose (wah-wah-wah)
Scooter Libby Did the thing (wah-wah-wah)
Now pardoned; won't sing (wah-wah-wah)
Whoa Dick Cheney (wah-wah-wah)
Whoa Dick Cheney (wah-wah-wah)

I like secrets I cannot lie
No VP will deny
When you have a meet with an oil exec
I tell ya thing get said
They can't get known
Won't throw Waxman a bone
There's things Lynne don't need to know

Alberto

Alberto
Sung to the tune of "Fernando" by ABBA.

It's subpoena time Alberto
Why didn't you remember to delete all the email you received?
From Kyle Sampson Alberto
He and Harriet were thinking of ways to raise young W's star
Didn't you envision subpoenas
And the risk of your impeachment and then disbar

Republicans now Alberto
How to chose eight US attorneys
Incorruptible Alberto
They were honest, refused to use their office to be your spies
So Harriet and Kyle thought
And made a list. December pink slips dropped like flies

There was something that's just not quite right
Careers were bright Alberto
All eight were there for you and me
US attorneys Alberto
Though it never had been done before
You had no regret
W's cabinet screwed up again
This is your end, Alberto
W's cabinet screwed up again
This is your end, Alberto

Will you blame Karl Rove Alberto?
That worked so well when played by Scooter Libby's hand
Shaikh Mohammed cracked Alberto
Do you think that will save your job, get your face off the newsstand?
Even John Sununu
Wants you out of office and on the witness stand

There was something that's just not quite right
Careers were bright Alberto
All eight were there for you and me
US attorneys Alberto
Though it never had been done before
You had no regret
W's cabinet screwed up again
This is your end, Alberto
W's cabinet screwed up again
This is your end, Alberto

Today's Headlines 10/7/06 and a Song

* The Bush administration announced prospective sanctions on North Korea should North Korea conduct a nuclear test. The sanctions include reducing American trade. Although the US at present has no trade with North Korea, under the sanctions marines would parachute into North Korea and take back 10% of items previously sent to North Korea in the 1940s. Additionally, North Korea would no longer be considered part of the Axis of Evil and would by itself become the Point of Very Evil. Lastly, the Daily Show would stop referring to North Korean President Kim Jong Il as "bat shit insane" and would begin to refer to him as a "total fucking lunatic."

* In a visit to Iraq, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice stated that Iraq was making progress. When asked what progress Iraq was making she stated that Saddam Hussein was no longer in power and that was really all the progress they needed. She also stated that no one seems to be looting the museums anymore. Lastly she said that had the United States never invaded Iraq that she never would have met Peter MacKay, Canada's foreign minister and that he had recently progressed from first base to second base with her.

* House Republicans promised a thorough investigation into the Mark Foley scandal. The investigation has been referred to the House Ethics Committee. Speaker of the House promised that the investigation was not going to be a whitewash and that the Committee was fully empowered to demand Representative Foley's resignation should they conclude that he was in fact gay.

* President Bush denied that he had met with Russian Vladimir Putin to discuss strategies for having reporters murdered. White House Press Secretary stated, "There was no meeting between President Bush and President Putin and if such a meeting occurred they certainly did not discuss the strategies used by President Putin to murder Russian reporter Anna Politkovskaya and how such strategies could be implemented to have Bob Woodward killed. These suggestions are pure fantasy." Snow refused to answer questions about why Karl Rove has been seen following around Bob Woodward for the past three days.

* Don't Send IMs to me (to the tune of "Don't Stand So Close to Me")

Mark Foley, in Congress
No teenage fantasy
A homo. In closet
Congressmen have to be

It's roll call, so horny
A congressional page
He voting, it's close now
The boy's one-third his age

Don't send, don't send those
Don't send IMs to me
Don't send, don't send those
Don't send IMs to me

John Boehner, he finds out
Mark starts to cry and cry
Whispers in the Congress
Beware of creepy guy

Then Boehner tell Dennis
He starts to laugh and scoff
Mark says, "I didn't do it."
Dennis says, "That's enough."

Don't send, don't send those
Don't send IMs to me
Don't send, don't send those
Don't send IMs to me

The IMs, they get out
Oh how reporters are
Mark Foley, he resigns
Then heads out to a bar

The midterms, polls plummet
Dems want Hastert's head
The news is all Foley
Forget Iraqi dead

Don't send, don't send those
Don't send IMs to me
Don't send, don't send those
Don't send IMs to me

Picked Yourself a Judge

Picked Yourself a Judge
(to the tune "Got Yourself a Gun," the theme to the Sopranos)

You woke up this morning
picked yourself a judge
Rehnquist said it's time for
Roe to be Gone.

He said, you've got four out of five votes
You need half of nine
But Specter's writing questions
With Alito in his eyes.

You woke up this morning.
Hariet Meirs Gone.
Your papa had a chance
Got one appointment wrong

But Alito answers good baby
Confirmation a Matter of time (vote about it)
Senate questions
Looking Alito in the eyes.

You woke up this morning
Iraq turned upside down
Things ain't been the same
Since Libby had to leave town.

But you've got four out of five votes
You got that swagger fine
Roe in your cross-hairs
And Alito looking fine.

I like votes

I like votes (to the tune of "I Like It" by Narcotic Thrust)

I serve the nation every day
I hate what my opponents say
The power gives me such a drive
On the floor's when I come alive

I long to be elected
Just get me reelected
I'll spend my term pandering
Pandering to you

[1st chorus]
I like cash for my P A C
I like to go on Sunday TV
I like when they start the roll call
I like votes... I must have them all

There can't be more to life than this
Big checks from those fat lobbyists
Each month's vacations are two weeks
Kissing cute babies right on their cheeks

Late night with my interns
Wait for election returns
I'll spend my term pandering
Pandering to you

I'll always vote with big tobacco
My district pork makes the budget grow
Each day I'm at the roll call
I like votes... I must make them all
Someday I'll take away your choice
Someday I'll close the Village Voice
I like cash for my P A C
Elections are all about me

I override his veto
And then confirm Alito
I'll spend my term pandering
Pandering to you

I like votes so much