Headlines 5/21/08
* House Republicans today met in the Republican Study Committee to determine how to best rebrand the republican party for the 2008 elections. The committee voted overwhelmingly to drop the current Republican slogan "Bankrupting the country and destroying the world." However, they were unable to develop a consensus as to a new slogan. Several slogans were voted down including
"No longer trying to bankrupt the country and destroy the world, we promise"
"Seriously financially wounding the country and bringing the world to the brink of destruction"
"Change: brought to you by the people who bankrupted the country and destroyed the world"
"Barak Obama is black so better keep Republicans in the House"
"You were going to vote against Clinton, so you might as well vote anyway"
"No arrests in public men's rooms for 123 days"
"Because the California Supreme Court voted for gay marriage"
"Republicans: Bankrupting the country and destroying the world, but now without Bush"
Update: The final slogan will be "Republicans: Because the democrats have bankrupted the country and destroyed the world"
* Hillary Clinton declared victory last night as the democratic nominee, having defeated Barak Obama in Kentucky. At her victory speech Clinton stated, "First I won the tie breaker Indiana, which I didn't really have to do since I am ahead in the popular vote. Now I have won Kentucky, which has always been the linchpin of democratic victory. What else can it take? What just because I am a woman, does that mean I can't be president? You're all saying Obama won because he's a man. Well, that's not fair. I won. Tell them Bill."
* Senator Ted Kennedy was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor. Several politicians on both sides of the aisle called to wish Senator Kennedy the best and hoping for a recovery. Oddly only two politicians did not immediately wish the best for Senator Kennedy. The first was, Senator Hillary Clinton, who stated that it explained Senator Kennedy's support as a superdelegate. Second was Richard Riley, former Secretary of Education under Bill Clinton, who said, "Oh. This explains his support for No Child Left Behind."
* John McCain unveiled his plan to victory in Iraq in 2013. The plan requires the US to stay in Iraq till 2013. In October 2012, McCain will declare victory in Iraq and the announce that the troops will leave. Then the president of Iraq will catch the golden snitch, declaring victory over the insurgents. The troops will be leaving at a rate of 3,714 per day traveling by the Iraq to America chimney floo network, using floo powder. Any troops remaining on November 7, 2012, will disapparate out. The peace will be maintained by dementors with all remaining insurgents who refuse to take their OWL exams being sent to Azkaban prison.
"No longer trying to bankrupt the country and destroy the world, we promise"
"Seriously financially wounding the country and bringing the world to the brink of destruction"
"Change: brought to you by the people who bankrupted the country and destroyed the world"
"Barak Obama is black so better keep Republicans in the House"
"You were going to vote against Clinton, so you might as well vote anyway"
"No arrests in public men's rooms for 123 days"
"Because the California Supreme Court voted for gay marriage"
"Republicans: Bankrupting the country and destroying the world, but now without Bush"
Update: The final slogan will be "Republicans: Because the democrats have bankrupted the country and destroyed the world"
* Hillary Clinton declared victory last night as the democratic nominee, having defeated Barak Obama in Kentucky. At her victory speech Clinton stated, "First I won the tie breaker Indiana, which I didn't really have to do since I am ahead in the popular vote. Now I have won Kentucky, which has always been the linchpin of democratic victory. What else can it take? What just because I am a woman, does that mean I can't be president? You're all saying Obama won because he's a man. Well, that's not fair. I won. Tell them Bill."
* Senator Ted Kennedy was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor. Several politicians on both sides of the aisle called to wish Senator Kennedy the best and hoping for a recovery. Oddly only two politicians did not immediately wish the best for Senator Kennedy. The first was, Senator Hillary Clinton, who stated that it explained Senator Kennedy's support as a superdelegate. Second was Richard Riley, former Secretary of Education under Bill Clinton, who said, "Oh. This explains his support for No Child Left Behind."
* John McCain unveiled his plan to victory in Iraq in 2013. The plan requires the US to stay in Iraq till 2013. In October 2012, McCain will declare victory in Iraq and the announce that the troops will leave. Then the president of Iraq will catch the golden snitch, declaring victory over the insurgents. The troops will be leaving at a rate of 3,714 per day traveling by the Iraq to America chimney floo network, using floo powder. Any troops remaining on November 7, 2012, will disapparate out. The peace will be maintained by dementors with all remaining insurgents who refuse to take their OWL exams being sent to Azkaban prison.
posted by posttimestribune at 2:05 PM
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