July 21, 2007 & Whoa Dick Cheney

* President Bush relinquished power to Vice President Dick Cheney while Bush underwent a colonoscopy. While Vice President Cheney was acting president he issued numerous executive orders. First he pardoned I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, who had been convicted of perjury and whose appeal was pending. He then abolished the U.S. National Archives and Records Administration. Cheney then entered into a contract with Halliburton to shred all records of Cheney's Vice Presidency currently on file in the Archives. Lastly, Cheney issued an executive statement that the Defense of Marriage Act did not apply to lesbian couples who had babies born on May 23, 2007 and were Republicans.

* Senator John McCain's campaign today was devastated when the toy poodle brought in to be his campaign manager was signed up by Senator Fred Thompson to be Senator Thompson's wife's dog. McCain's campaign staff now entirely consists of a photograph of Joe Lieberman; however, there are rumors that the photograph has been negotiating with former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney. McCain restructured his campaign staff earlier this week, laying off hundreds of staff. The poodle, which previously belonged to Senator McCain's wife, had not be drawing a salary. It appears that the toy poodle left over a disagreement whether the poodle or the photograph of Joe Lieberman would be the one driving the Straight Talk Express. However, it is also rumored that the poodle has been promised the position of first dog in a Thompson presidency, which was more appealing than the position of Secretary of the Interior, which had been promised by McCain.

* Joe Biden's campaign suffered another setback today when Senator Biden referred to former first lady and wife of President Lyndon Johnson, Lady Bird Johnson, as a "stupid cunt" in his statement at the passing of her death.

* Rudy Giuliani made the following statement, "As I stood there on 9/11 I thought of what a great first Lady that Lady Bird Johnson was. And I tried to lead New York after 9/11 with the grace of Mrs. Johnson. And it was my leadership after 9/11 that prevented al Queda from bringing about the destruction of the world. And I thought thank god that Lady Bird Johnson wasn't killed on 9/11. And if Lady Bird Johnson were
alive today, she would say how important it is that 9/11 be remembered and that the next president be someone who led on 9/11. Thank you. 9/11. 9/11. 9/11."

* The former mayor of Newark, Sharpe James, was indicted today on conspiracy to murder Tony Soprano. Mayor James vehemently protested his innocence. "I'm not saying I liked Tony Soprano. But our business dealings were totally legit. And there is no evidence that that suspicious guy who went into the bathroom did anything there but pee. I mean just because Michael Corleone took a gun outta the bathroom doesn't mean that's how I whacked Tony Soprano. I mean, would whack Tony Soprano, which I didn't." James then added, "And I didn't pick that stupid Celine Dion song to be Hillary Clinton's campaign theme song either."

* The Transportation Security Administration stated today that in addition to allowing lighters on planes it would allow small handguns to be carried on so long as such firearms were not loaded. Water will still be prohibited.

* Correction: In last Thursday's issue we ran a review of the seventh Harry Potter book, Death Hallows. That review was based on a copy of the book that was obtained legally. However, the review may have contained spoilers that were inaccurate. Thus we may have been wrong when we stated that Voldemort was Harry Potter's father, that the final horcrux was Harry's boyhood sled Rosebud, that Soylent Green is made of muggles, that Dumbledor was shot by Sue Ellen's sister, that Professor Minerva McGonagall is a man, and that Ron and Hermione are dead people that only Harry Potter can see. We apologize for the inconvenience and would like to note that this retraction is not in any way based on the lawsuit filed against us by Scholastic.

* "Whoa Dick Cheney" sung to the tune of Black Betty, by Ram Jam

Whoa Dick Cheney (wah-wah-wah)
Whoa Dick Cheney (wah-wah-wah)
Dick Cheny hid a doc (wah-wah-wah)
Oversight was a croc (wah-wah-wah)
He said, "I'm not part of the exec" (wah-wah-wah)
"Congress go to heck." (wah-wah-wah)

Rahm said, "No Dick Cheney." (wah-wah-wah)
No. Dick Cheney (wah-wah-wah)

Whoa Dick Cheney (wah-wah-wah)
Whoa Dick Cheney (wah-wah-wah)
Google hid his house (wah-wah-wah)
Can't find it with a mouse (wah-wah-wah)
He's never to blame (wah-wah-wah)
Fuck Valerie Plame (wah-wah-wah)

Whoa Dick Cheney (wah-wah-wah)
Whoa Dick Cheney (wah-wah-wah)

Whoa Dick Cheney (wah-wah-wah)
Whoa Dick Cheney (wah-wah-wah)
Location undisclosed (wah-wah-wah)
Shot a friend in the nose (wah-wah-wah)
Scooter Libby Did the thing (wah-wah-wah)
Now pardoned; won't sing (wah-wah-wah)
Whoa Dick Cheney (wah-wah-wah)
Whoa Dick Cheney (wah-wah-wah)

I like secrets I cannot lie
No VP will deny
When you have a meet with an oil exec
I tell ya thing get said
They can't get known
Won't throw Waxman a bone
There's things Lynne don't need to know