Headlines 11/12/06

* The ad hoc committee to examine expenditures in Iraq has found widespread fraud and waste in the system. Among the findings were $18 billion spent on building an oil pipeline to the Persian Gulf. Dismantling the pipeline. Rebuilding it. And then dismantling it again. Halliburton has been accused of merely building and dismantling the pipeline once and then pocketing the extra money. However a spokesperson for Halliburton assured the press that Halliburton did not build and dismantle the pipeline once. An investigation is being headed up by Vice President Dick Cheney. The committee also found that Bechtel sold Iraq's only cow for a bunch of supposedly magic beans.

* Speaker-elect and soon to be Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid announced legislation to implement the Democrats Six for '06. The six 1. National security; 2. Jobs and wages; 3. Energy independence; 4. Affordable health care; 5. Retirement security; and 6. College access. Legislation will be implemented as follows:

1. All flights shall be grounded, all domestic chemical plants will be closed, all prisoners in Guantanamo Bay will be executed, we will invade Iran, Saudi Arabia and Syria, and a 400 foot high wall will be built along the entire Canadian border;

2. CEO salaries will be subject to a mandatory minimum of $100 million per year regardless of fiscal profits, workers minimum wage to be increased by fifteen cents over the next six years;

3. After the US invades Iran, Saudi Arabia and Syria, a pipeline will be built from the Persian Gulf to Iowa where giant oil tanks will be built to hold all Persian Gulf oil reserves;

4. In order to reduce costs all functions of Medicaid will be turned over to Bechtel in a no bid contract while all functions of Medicare will be turned over to Halliburton;

5. The Social Security fund will be invested in Halliburton to fund Halliburton's takeover of Medicare. Halliburton expects a 26% annual return on this investment. Should the investment not succeed senior citizens will be put to death at age 78; and

6. All Americans will be provided with a Harvard Education. All colleges and universities in the United States will become branches of Harvard University.

* Speaker-elect and soon to be Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid announced legislation to implement the Democrats Six for '06. The six 1. National security; 2. Jobs and wages; 3. Energy independence; 4. Affordable health care; 5. Retirement security; and 6. College access. Legislation will be implemented as follows:

1. Instead of being allowed to bring on carry on luggage, all travelers will only be allowed to carry on the latest issue of Mother Jones magazine, security guards at all domestic chemical plants will wear fresh cut organically grown flowers in their labels because flowers have a calming effect on potential terrorists, all prisoners at Guantanamo Bay will be released on their own recognizance as a gesture of empathy to the Arab world, Iraq will be established as an autonomous collective, and all Mexicans in the US will be issued American passports;

2. All national wages will be distributed to all employees equally regardless of job title; all corporate decisions to be made by consensus;

3. $3 billion will be spent to develop fuel made out of recycled toilet paper and tissues;

4. There will be universal health care coverage for all Americans, all healthcare will be provided by acupuncturists and specialists in holistic medicine;

5. Due to all healthcare being provided by acupuncturists and holistic medicine specialists no persons will live past 65 saving the Social Security fund; and

6. All Americans will be given access to a college education. All states will be required to build and open a university to house all the poor and stupid high school graduates of the state. Congress shall not provide any funding for this project.