Today's Headlines 8/6/06
* Tony Snow denounced accusations that President Bush's shorter vacation this summer was somehow related to his poor polling numbers and the midterm elections. "The president is taking a shorter vacation this summer because he has not done anything this year and as a result doesn't need as long a vacation."
* Joseph Lieberman announced today that if he lost the democratic primary he would run as a republican and as an independent in the November election. Lieberman also announced the formation if a new party, "Centrist Jewish Democrats of Connecticut Whose Positions Aren't all That Different from Hillary Clinton." Lieberman, whose trademark optimism caused him to characterize his 9% sixth place finish in the 2004 New Hampshire primary as cause for celebration as a "three way split decision for third place" is very excited to be polling second in the democratic primary. Meanwhile bloggers supporting Ned Lamont have been criticized for a photoshop image of Lieberman, President Bush, Dick Cheney, Adolf Eichmann, and Darth Vader in blackface, at a gay orgy, murdering kittens.
* Disney has abandoned its project with Mel Gibson to create a cartoon based on the life story of Adolf Hitler. Disney has denied that there was any connection between canceling the project and Gibson's arrest for drunk driving and well-publicized anti-Semitic comments. Gibson has also denounced the Jews for giving Fidel Castro diverticulitis, spiking Floyd Landis blood test with testosterone, and for Ned Lamont's polling ahead of Joe Lieberman in the Connecticut democratic primary.
* A peace treaty between Israel and Hezbollah has been derailed by the Israeli delegation being 15 minutes late to the signing. Criticism has already been placed upon Condoleezza Rice who mistakenly told the Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert the actual time, forgetting to take into account Jewish Standard Time. It is well known that in 1978 at Camp david Jimmy Carter managed to arrange a peace agreement between Menachem Begin only after he began telling Prime Minister Begin to arrive at the meetings fifteen minutes before they were set to start. Jewish Standard Time is also blamed for the failure of the Taba accords in 2001.
* The United States and France have agreed to present a joint resolution to the United Nations Security Counsel. The resolution is a compromise between the two proposed resolutions put forth by those nations. The original French resolution called for Israel to withdraw from Lebanon, the end the occupation of the West Bank and to withdraw to areas were part of Israel in 1948, to release all Hezbollah and Palestinian prisoners, to pay reparations to Lebanon in an amount to be determined by Syria, the cede the Golan heights to Syria and for all Orthodox Jews to stop keeping kosher. The original American resolution called for Hezbollah to turn over all of its arms to Israel, return the kidnapped Israeli officers to Israel, demanding that Bashar al-Assad institute democratic reforms and step down in Syria and requiring all Hezbollah members to be tried by military tribunals at Guantanamo Bay. The joint resolution will ask Israel and Hezbollah to "cut it out."
* Donald Rumsfeld stated today that the fact that Iraq was in the midst of a civil war was a sign that the United States had won the war in Iraq. "If Iraq is in a civil war, Miss Henny Penny, it can't be in a war with the United States. Therefore, we must have won that one." When asked whether the US troops could begin to return since we had won the war Rumsfeld said, "Since we've obviously won the war it's not going to be dangerous for our troops. I don't understand all you Henny Pennys asking for a withdrawal of American forces from Iraq. There is probably no safer place on earth for an American soldier than in Iraq."
* Correction: In last week's paper in an article about the war in the Middle East we stated that the end of the world was imminent. It appears that the end of the world is merely incipient, not quite imminent.
* Joseph Lieberman announced today that if he lost the democratic primary he would run as a republican and as an independent in the November election. Lieberman also announced the formation if a new party, "Centrist Jewish Democrats of Connecticut Whose Positions Aren't all That Different from Hillary Clinton." Lieberman, whose trademark optimism caused him to characterize his 9% sixth place finish in the 2004 New Hampshire primary as cause for celebration as a "three way split decision for third place" is very excited to be polling second in the democratic primary. Meanwhile bloggers supporting Ned Lamont have been criticized for a photoshop image of Lieberman, President Bush, Dick Cheney, Adolf Eichmann, and Darth Vader in blackface, at a gay orgy, murdering kittens.
* Disney has abandoned its project with Mel Gibson to create a cartoon based on the life story of Adolf Hitler. Disney has denied that there was any connection between canceling the project and Gibson's arrest for drunk driving and well-publicized anti-Semitic comments. Gibson has also denounced the Jews for giving Fidel Castro diverticulitis, spiking Floyd Landis blood test with testosterone, and for Ned Lamont's polling ahead of Joe Lieberman in the Connecticut democratic primary.
* A peace treaty between Israel and Hezbollah has been derailed by the Israeli delegation being 15 minutes late to the signing. Criticism has already been placed upon Condoleezza Rice who mistakenly told the Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert the actual time, forgetting to take into account Jewish Standard Time. It is well known that in 1978 at Camp david Jimmy Carter managed to arrange a peace agreement between Menachem Begin only after he began telling Prime Minister Begin to arrive at the meetings fifteen minutes before they were set to start. Jewish Standard Time is also blamed for the failure of the Taba accords in 2001.
* The United States and France have agreed to present a joint resolution to the United Nations Security Counsel. The resolution is a compromise between the two proposed resolutions put forth by those nations. The original French resolution called for Israel to withdraw from Lebanon, the end the occupation of the West Bank and to withdraw to areas were part of Israel in 1948, to release all Hezbollah and Palestinian prisoners, to pay reparations to Lebanon in an amount to be determined by Syria, the cede the Golan heights to Syria and for all Orthodox Jews to stop keeping kosher. The original American resolution called for Hezbollah to turn over all of its arms to Israel, return the kidnapped Israeli officers to Israel, demanding that Bashar al-Assad institute democratic reforms and step down in Syria and requiring all Hezbollah members to be tried by military tribunals at Guantanamo Bay. The joint resolution will ask Israel and Hezbollah to "cut it out."
* Donald Rumsfeld stated today that the fact that Iraq was in the midst of a civil war was a sign that the United States had won the war in Iraq. "If Iraq is in a civil war, Miss Henny Penny, it can't be in a war with the United States. Therefore, we must have won that one." When asked whether the US troops could begin to return since we had won the war Rumsfeld said, "Since we've obviously won the war it's not going to be dangerous for our troops. I don't understand all you Henny Pennys asking for a withdrawal of American forces from Iraq. There is probably no safer place on earth for an American soldier than in Iraq."
* Correction: In last week's paper in an article about the war in the Middle East we stated that the end of the world was imminent. It appears that the end of the world is merely incipient, not quite imminent.
posted by posttimestribune at 8:03 AM
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