Today's Headlines 5/5/06

* Vice President Dick Cheney issued a strong rebuke of Russia, saying, "F*cking Russia. They f*cking use f*cking oil as a political weapon. They withdraw from f*cking international environmental treaties. They f*cking hold prisoners without f*cking charging them or giving them access to attorneys. Went to f*cking war in Iraq based on obviously f*cking faulty intelligence. Have f*cking altered their f*cking tax code to benefit the rich. Lastly, the f*cking vice president of f*cking Russia shot a f*cking man in the f*cking face."

* The American people having rejected a $100 rebate from Congress to defray gasoline taxes, stated that they would accept an extension of the cut in capital gains taxes. When asked why the American people would accept an extension in the cut in capital gains, which would overwhelmingly benefit the richest taxpayers, a spokesman for the American people said, "We're not whores. The $100 rebate would be paying us for our vote and we won't accept that. But since the capital gains cut doesn't help the average American we can support that and still feel good about ourselves in the morning."

* Ehud Olmert, head of the Kadima party and Prime Minister of Israel, announced his coalition. In addition to Kadima, t he coalition will include the Secular Party, the Religious Party, the Anti-Secular and Anti-Religious Party, the Pro-Marijuana Party, the Drug Control Party, the Pensioners Party, the Anti-Pensioners Party, and Labor.

* The Justice Department has released the jury questionnaire from the Zacarias Moussaoui verdict.
Moussaoui is bat-sh*t insane (9 to 3 in favor)
Moussaoui is Osama Bin Laden (8 to 4 against)
Moussaoui is a teapot (6 to 6)
The Bush administration lied to the American people about its motives for the Iraq war (10 to 2 in favor)
Saddam Hussein is Osama Bin Laden (8 to 4 in favor)
The Bush administration will never catch Osama Bin Laden (10 to 2 in favor)
If Al Gore were president there would be protests on the White House lawn every day calling for impeachment for not capturing Bin Laden (10 to 2 in favor)
Moussaoui flew one of the planes into the World Trade Center (11 to 1 against)
Saddam Hussein flew one of the planes into the World Trade Center (7 to 5 in favor)
If a tree fell in the forest it would not make a sound (8 to 4 against)

* President Bush today announced a new list of laws that do not apply to him or his administration: laws against drunk driving, laws against perjury, environmental regulations, the requirement to have a hunting license, laws against shooting people in the face, and term limits.