Today's Headlines 4/30/06
* Insurance companies have developed insurance policies to protect consumers from rising gas prices. Under the plan consumers will pay the insurance companies premiums based on the gas mileage of their vehicles. Then if gas prices rise the consumer will be required to purchase gas at gas stations in the insurance company plan. The gas stations will charge 20% to 35% more than non-covered gas stations. The consumer will then submit claims to the insurance companies, which will then be denied for lack of coverage.
* House and Senate Republicans today ironed out a compromise on immigration reform. Under the compromise illegal immigrants who have been in the country for more than five years will be eligible for citizenship if they meet the following criteria: they are not homosexual, they agree to vote Republican for the next 50 years, they agree to donate 10% of their after-tax income to The Heritage Foundation, they provide Rush Limbaugh with a bottle of Oxycontin, they fly to Vegas with Bill Bennett for the weekend, they allow their emails to be read by the NSA, and attend a townhall meeting in support of Social Security privatization.
* President Bush signed an executive order today which categorizes as classified all information about the federal government unless it is leaked by Karl Rove. Journalists who report on classified information will be sent to Guantanamo Bay for reeducation.
* According to Wikipedia, Hillary Rodham Clinton is half-black, a lesbian, voted to require an abortion clinic be built next to your house, burns an American flag every day, smokes marijuana every night before bed, voted to increase taxes 83,421 times during her five and a half years in the Senate, murdered Vince Foster because he found out that she shredded the Whitewater files, is an anti-Semite, and voted for the Iraq War. According to Wikipedia, John McCain fathered a child with his illegitimate half-black daughter, was a Vietnamese double agent during the Vietnam War, died of cancer in 2004 due to his own defunding of all federal cancer research, is 4'3" tall, is an anti-Semite, and voted for the Iraq War.
* Review of "Flight 93" by Rudy Giuliani, guest reviewer: When I saw the movie "Flight 93", I turned to Bernie Kerrick and said, "Thank God George W. Bush directed this movie." If Al Gore had directed this movie we would never have seen the heroic actions of the passengers, who, in the name of Freedom and the Republican party attacked the Iraqi hijackers of the flight and saved the capitol. If Al Gore had directed this movie, the passengers would have discussed the "feelings" of the hijackers and considered the hijackers "cultural sensitivity" and determined that it was culturally appropriate for Iraqis under the direction of Saddam Hussein to fly an airplane into White House. If Al Gore had directed this movie federal regulations would have prevented the heroes of Flight 93 from calling their families on their cellphones. If Al Gore had directed this movie, the government would have listened to Richard Clark and responded to the threat of al Queda preventing these heroes from their heroic deaths. So that's why I say to you today, see "Flight 93", the greatest film directed by the greatest director this country has known, George W. Bush.
* Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice told reporters today that the United States was going to do something about Iran. She would not say what the US would do, but she did say it would be something, in contrast to the current policy of doing nothing. Donald Rumsfeld has for weeks pressed for invading Iran with 200 marines and a basket of fruit. Rice stated that she could neither confirm nor deny whether the Rumsfeld plan had been implemented. A senior source in the administration did note that National Security Adviser Stephen Hadley was seen earlier today in a Georgetown shop buying a basket of fruit. When asked for comment, Hadley stated that it was an early Mother's Day present for his mom.
* House and Senate Republicans today ironed out a compromise on immigration reform. Under the compromise illegal immigrants who have been in the country for more than five years will be eligible for citizenship if they meet the following criteria: they are not homosexual, they agree to vote Republican for the next 50 years, they agree to donate 10% of their after-tax income to The Heritage Foundation, they provide Rush Limbaugh with a bottle of Oxycontin, they fly to Vegas with Bill Bennett for the weekend, they allow their emails to be read by the NSA, and attend a townhall meeting in support of Social Security privatization.
* President Bush signed an executive order today which categorizes as classified all information about the federal government unless it is leaked by Karl Rove. Journalists who report on classified information will be sent to Guantanamo Bay for reeducation.
* According to Wikipedia, Hillary Rodham Clinton is half-black, a lesbian, voted to require an abortion clinic be built next to your house, burns an American flag every day, smokes marijuana every night before bed, voted to increase taxes 83,421 times during her five and a half years in the Senate, murdered Vince Foster because he found out that she shredded the Whitewater files, is an anti-Semite, and voted for the Iraq War. According to Wikipedia, John McCain fathered a child with his illegitimate half-black daughter, was a Vietnamese double agent during the Vietnam War, died of cancer in 2004 due to his own defunding of all federal cancer research, is 4'3" tall, is an anti-Semite, and voted for the Iraq War.
* Review of "Flight 93" by Rudy Giuliani, guest reviewer: When I saw the movie "Flight 93", I turned to Bernie Kerrick and said, "Thank God George W. Bush directed this movie." If Al Gore had directed this movie we would never have seen the heroic actions of the passengers, who, in the name of Freedom and the Republican party attacked the Iraqi hijackers of the flight and saved the capitol. If Al Gore had directed this movie, the passengers would have discussed the "feelings" of the hijackers and considered the hijackers "cultural sensitivity" and determined that it was culturally appropriate for Iraqis under the direction of Saddam Hussein to fly an airplane into White House. If Al Gore had directed this movie federal regulations would have prevented the heroes of Flight 93 from calling their families on their cellphones. If Al Gore had directed this movie, the government would have listened to Richard Clark and responded to the threat of al Queda preventing these heroes from their heroic deaths. So that's why I say to you today, see "Flight 93", the greatest film directed by the greatest director this country has known, George W. Bush.
* Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice told reporters today that the United States was going to do something about Iran. She would not say what the US would do, but she did say it would be something, in contrast to the current policy of doing nothing. Donald Rumsfeld has for weeks pressed for invading Iran with 200 marines and a basket of fruit. Rice stated that she could neither confirm nor deny whether the Rumsfeld plan had been implemented. A senior source in the administration did note that National Security Adviser Stephen Hadley was seen earlier today in a Georgetown shop buying a basket of fruit. When asked for comment, Hadley stated that it was an early Mother's Day present for his mom.
posted by posttimestribune at 11:04 AM
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