Today's Headlines 4/29/06
* Bush administration proposals for coping with the current high price of gasoline: Invade Iraq. Permanently eliminate inheritance taxes. Close and drill for oil in select polling places in Ohio, Pennsylvania, Florida, and Iowa. New tax breaks for people who drive limousines, Hummers, BMWs and Saabs. Hydrogen powered flying cars. Pardon Kenneth Lay. Privatize social security.
* King Gyanendra of Nepal agreed to a power sharing agreement with the protesters of Nepal. Under the agreement, a new monarch will be elected in 2015. There will only be one polling place, to be located in a locked room in the Nepal palace. One may only be placed on the ballot be either being a previous monarch or obtaining 3,150,000 signatures from registered voters. The polling machine will be supplied by the Diebold Corporation.
* The United Nations Security Counsel is debating a new resolution for Iran to ignore. Competing posts have been put forth by the United States, China, the European Union, and Israel. American proposal: Iran is to stop developing nuculer technology, even peaceful energy based technology and if Iran does or does not comply with this resolution the United States may invade or not. Chinese proposal: Iran may develop whatever technology it wants so long as it supplies oil to China. European proposal: Iran please do not develop nuclear weapons. If you do develop nuclear weapons we shall be very put out and may or may not condemn you for it. Israeli proposal: When Iran develops nuclear technology Israel shall bomb and destroy it because the rest of the world are too ferklemt to act.
* Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi of Italy announced that even though he had won reelection for prime minister he had agreed to step down in favor of Romano Prodi because he was tired of being made fun of in the Italian press for having the same name as one of the characters on the Sopranos.
* The prosecutor in the Duke lacrosse team rape case stated that the fact that the victim had previously accused three men of raping her would not hurt the case against the players because new evidence had surfaced that the Duke lacrosse team had kidnapped, raped and murdered Natalee Holloway in May 2005 in Aruba, had raped and smeared feces on Tawana Brawley in 1987 and put a pubic hair on Anita Hill's coke.
* House Republicans today passed a bill that would criminalize singing the National Anthem in Spanish. The penalty for singing the anthem in Spanish will be deportation to Mexico regardless of citizenship status. The Senate passed a companion bill that would require elementary schools to sing the National Anthem in both English and Spanish. When asked how the two bills would be reconciled in conference committee Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) and House Speaker Dennis Hastert (D-IL) stated that they fully anticipated the conference committee bill to privatize Social Security and eliminate estate taxes.
* King Gyanendra of Nepal agreed to a power sharing agreement with the protesters of Nepal. Under the agreement, a new monarch will be elected in 2015. There will only be one polling place, to be located in a locked room in the Nepal palace. One may only be placed on the ballot be either being a previous monarch or obtaining 3,150,000 signatures from registered voters. The polling machine will be supplied by the Diebold Corporation.
* The United Nations Security Counsel is debating a new resolution for Iran to ignore. Competing posts have been put forth by the United States, China, the European Union, and Israel. American proposal: Iran is to stop developing nuculer technology, even peaceful energy based technology and if Iran does or does not comply with this resolution the United States may invade or not. Chinese proposal: Iran may develop whatever technology it wants so long as it supplies oil to China. European proposal: Iran please do not develop nuclear weapons. If you do develop nuclear weapons we shall be very put out and may or may not condemn you for it. Israeli proposal: When Iran develops nuclear technology Israel shall bomb and destroy it because the rest of the world are too ferklemt to act.
* Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi of Italy announced that even though he had won reelection for prime minister he had agreed to step down in favor of Romano Prodi because he was tired of being made fun of in the Italian press for having the same name as one of the characters on the Sopranos.
* The prosecutor in the Duke lacrosse team rape case stated that the fact that the victim had previously accused three men of raping her would not hurt the case against the players because new evidence had surfaced that the Duke lacrosse team had kidnapped, raped and murdered Natalee Holloway in May 2005 in Aruba, had raped and smeared feces on Tawana Brawley in 1987 and put a pubic hair on Anita Hill's coke.
* House Republicans today passed a bill that would criminalize singing the National Anthem in Spanish. The penalty for singing the anthem in Spanish will be deportation to Mexico regardless of citizenship status. The Senate passed a companion bill that would require elementary schools to sing the National Anthem in both English and Spanish. When asked how the two bills would be reconciled in conference committee Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) and House Speaker Dennis Hastert (D-IL) stated that they fully anticipated the conference committee bill to privatize Social Security and eliminate estate taxes.
posted by posttimestribune at 7:40 PM
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