Today's Headlines 04/17/06
* Kevin Ray Underwood has signed a deal with Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia to edit a cookbook. When asked why she was entering into a contract with an attempted cannibal and murderer, Stewart said that she had already entered into a very lucrative marketing deal with Kmart and that Underwood wasn't nearly as tacky. She added, "Underwood's literary ability has already been proven in his very popular blog, which people wouldn't read if he weren't so excellent a writer." Stewart, who was jailed for five months for obstruction of justice, also said that being incarcerated should not be held against Mr. Underwood. The cookbook, to be title "Pizza and a Ten Year Old" is expected to be published next fall.
* Iran's Ambassador to the U.N., Javad Zarif, stated before the Security Counsel that the West's condemnation of Iran for it's "peaceful nuclear program" was hypocritical in light of Israel's nuclear weapons program. Israel's U.N. Ambassador, Dan Gillerman, responded that first, Israel did not have a nuclear weapons program; second, that if Israel did, it was completely different because Israel has not stated that Iran should be wiped off the face of the earth; and third, Israel has never had a Prime Minister that was obviously insane. The last statement was of course a crack aimed at Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who is well known for his delusions that he is a teapot. Abassador Gillerman refused to respond when questioned about former Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu's get out the vote efforts in the Gaza strip.
* A North Carolina grand jury has issued two sealed indictments against I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby and Karl Rove for their raping of a 27 year old stripper at the Duke Lacrosse team house. Libby and Rove refused to comment on the indictments, which some posit will actually benefit President Bush's poll numbers among the pro-rape community.
* A court appointed psychiatrist has determined that Zacarias Moussaoui, the alleged "20th hijacker" believes that he is in fact Osama Bin Laden. The White House announced that having captured Bin Laden it had now won the war in Iraq. For May 1, 2003, the White House plans a special anniversary celebration for the first time the U.S. won the war in Iraq. The event will feature a larger air craft carrier, a larger sign saying "Mission Accomplished", and a tighter flight suit. The White House had planned on the president wearing a larger codpiece, but have thus far been unable to find one to purchase.
* The Pentagon has released a memo stating that Donald Rumsfeld is not the worst Defense Secretary in the history of the country. When asked who was in fact the worst Defense Secretary, the Pentagon spokesman stated that it was classified.
* Iran's Ambassador to the U.N., Javad Zarif, stated before the Security Counsel that the West's condemnation of Iran for it's "peaceful nuclear program" was hypocritical in light of Israel's nuclear weapons program. Israel's U.N. Ambassador, Dan Gillerman, responded that first, Israel did not have a nuclear weapons program; second, that if Israel did, it was completely different because Israel has not stated that Iran should be wiped off the face of the earth; and third, Israel has never had a Prime Minister that was obviously insane. The last statement was of course a crack aimed at Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who is well known for his delusions that he is a teapot. Abassador Gillerman refused to respond when questioned about former Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu's get out the vote efforts in the Gaza strip.
* A North Carolina grand jury has issued two sealed indictments against I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby and Karl Rove for their raping of a 27 year old stripper at the Duke Lacrosse team house. Libby and Rove refused to comment on the indictments, which some posit will actually benefit President Bush's poll numbers among the pro-rape community.
* A court appointed psychiatrist has determined that Zacarias Moussaoui, the alleged "20th hijacker" believes that he is in fact Osama Bin Laden. The White House announced that having captured Bin Laden it had now won the war in Iraq. For May 1, 2003, the White House plans a special anniversary celebration for the first time the U.S. won the war in Iraq. The event will feature a larger air craft carrier, a larger sign saying "Mission Accomplished", and a tighter flight suit. The White House had planned on the president wearing a larger codpiece, but have thus far been unable to find one to purchase.
* The Pentagon has released a memo stating that Donald Rumsfeld is not the worst Defense Secretary in the history of the country. When asked who was in fact the worst Defense Secretary, the Pentagon spokesman stated that it was classified.
posted by posttimestribune at 8:48 PM
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