Today's Headlines 7/13/06
* The Pentagon announced that it would be ending its exclusive arrangement with Halliburton to provide logistical support services to the army in Iraq. "The crisis which necessitated an exclusive arrangement with Halliburton is ended." stated an unnamed source at the Pentagon. Unrelated, the Bush administration has announced a complete troop redeployment out of Iraq to begin immediately. In further unrelated news, Halliburton refused to comment whether it had in fact received an exclusive contract to provide logistic support services to the army in Iran.
* Russian President Vladimir Putin has denied allegations that he is a zombie, living off of the intestines of children ages three to five. "These allegations are outrageous," screamed Putin as he wiped what appeared to be blood off of his lips. "I would never eat the intestines of children. Yummy delicious children. With their beautiful bellies."
* Democrats in Congress have proposed raising the minimum wage from $5.15 per hour to $5.35 per hour. The Act is to be titled "The Feingold-Kennedy Fair Wages for All Americans In Particular Poor Americans Who Are the Ones Who Need a Fair Shake in All Fairness in this Fair Country of Ours Fairly Act." Republicans denounced the move as election year pandering and proceeded to push their agenda of a constitutional amendment banning flag burning, and another prohibiting homosexual marriage. Moderate republicans are allegedly in negotiations with democrats to break party ranks to support the minimum wage hike. As a concession, the democrats would agree to eliminate taxes on incomes over $200,000.00 per year, the elimination of the estate tax, and the elimination of Medicare.
* In a surprise turn of events the Bush administration has conceded that the Geneva Convention applies to all prisoners of war, including enemy combatants. Alberto Gonzales, Attorney General, stated that the Bush administration has consistently maintained that the Geneva Convention applies to all prisoners captured during war and that the current statement was not a change in policy. Gonzales also reaffirmed the Bush administration position that the Article Three provision banning "outrages upon personal dignity, in particular, humiliating and degrading treatment" did not in fact ban humiliation or degrading treatment, but only treatment that was in fact both. He stated that the policy at the detainee facility at Guantanamo Bay has always been to only conduct torture in a form that was humiliating or degrading, but never both. He stated that the ban did not prohibit humiliating treatment that would actually be followed by degrading treatment. "So long as the humiliation and degradation is not concurrent it is consistent with the Geneva Convention."
* The Department of Homeland Security announced today that it was eliminating funds to the City of New York in light of the study that found New York had significantly fewer threats than Indiana or Wisconsin. Michael Chertoff, Secretary of Homeland Security, stated, "We had initially provided funding to the City of New York on the basis of the fact that it had been attacked by al Queda. However, our sophisticated computer modeling demonstrates that the next al Queda attack will be at a flea market or a petting zoo in the Midwest." When asked whether the raids on al Queda had found any maps of the Midwest, Chertoff conceded that the maps and plans had all related to sites in New York City. Chertoff stated that Hurricane Katrina, which devastated New Orleans, was provided with logistical and strategic support by al Queda demonstrating that al Queda was not focused on targets in New York City.
* White House Press secretary, Tony Snow, dismissed rumors that the White House had Kenneth Lay, former CEO and Chairman of Enron, killed so as to avoid President Bush facing the decision whether to pardon him after the 2006 midterm elections. "The decision to pardon Kenny Boy was made when the indictments were first handed down. The President had agreed to pardon Kenny Boy during the final days of the administration. There was never a plan to pardon him after the 2006 election." Snow conceded that the big loser in Lay's death was Jeffrey Skilling, also a former CEO of Enron, who will now have to donate $5 million to the RNC and Bush Presidential Museum to receive his pardon just like everyone else.
* Russian President Vladimir Putin has denied allegations that he is a zombie, living off of the intestines of children ages three to five. "These allegations are outrageous," screamed Putin as he wiped what appeared to be blood off of his lips. "I would never eat the intestines of children. Yummy delicious children. With their beautiful bellies."
* Democrats in Congress have proposed raising the minimum wage from $5.15 per hour to $5.35 per hour. The Act is to be titled "The Feingold-Kennedy Fair Wages for All Americans In Particular Poor Americans Who Are the Ones Who Need a Fair Shake in All Fairness in this Fair Country of Ours Fairly Act." Republicans denounced the move as election year pandering and proceeded to push their agenda of a constitutional amendment banning flag burning, and another prohibiting homosexual marriage. Moderate republicans are allegedly in negotiations with democrats to break party ranks to support the minimum wage hike. As a concession, the democrats would agree to eliminate taxes on incomes over $200,000.00 per year, the elimination of the estate tax, and the elimination of Medicare.
* In a surprise turn of events the Bush administration has conceded that the Geneva Convention applies to all prisoners of war, including enemy combatants. Alberto Gonzales, Attorney General, stated that the Bush administration has consistently maintained that the Geneva Convention applies to all prisoners captured during war and that the current statement was not a change in policy. Gonzales also reaffirmed the Bush administration position that the Article Three provision banning "outrages upon personal dignity, in particular, humiliating and degrading treatment" did not in fact ban humiliation or degrading treatment, but only treatment that was in fact both. He stated that the policy at the detainee facility at Guantanamo Bay has always been to only conduct torture in a form that was humiliating or degrading, but never both. He stated that the ban did not prohibit humiliating treatment that would actually be followed by degrading treatment. "So long as the humiliation and degradation is not concurrent it is consistent with the Geneva Convention."
* The Department of Homeland Security announced today that it was eliminating funds to the City of New York in light of the study that found New York had significantly fewer threats than Indiana or Wisconsin. Michael Chertoff, Secretary of Homeland Security, stated, "We had initially provided funding to the City of New York on the basis of the fact that it had been attacked by al Queda. However, our sophisticated computer modeling demonstrates that the next al Queda attack will be at a flea market or a petting zoo in the Midwest." When asked whether the raids on al Queda had found any maps of the Midwest, Chertoff conceded that the maps and plans had all related to sites in New York City. Chertoff stated that Hurricane Katrina, which devastated New Orleans, was provided with logistical and strategic support by al Queda demonstrating that al Queda was not focused on targets in New York City.
* White House Press secretary, Tony Snow, dismissed rumors that the White House had Kenneth Lay, former CEO and Chairman of Enron, killed so as to avoid President Bush facing the decision whether to pardon him after the 2006 midterm elections. "The decision to pardon Kenny Boy was made when the indictments were first handed down. The President had agreed to pardon Kenny Boy during the final days of the administration. There was never a plan to pardon him after the 2006 election." Snow conceded that the big loser in Lay's death was Jeffrey Skilling, also a former CEO of Enron, who will now have to donate $5 million to the RNC and Bush Presidential Museum to receive his pardon just like everyone else.
posted by posttimestribune at 6:26 PM
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