Today's Headlines 9/3/06

* Ford has announced that due to decreasing demand it will begin dismantling all the vehicles it has produced in 2006. The program entitled "A dismantled Vehicle for Better Yesterday" will be implemented beginning next week. Ford had considered the destruction of its vehicles, however, the United Auto Workers threatened to picket Ford. Ford which has been paying 70% of its workforce not to work since 2004, will now require its employees to return to work to dismantle the vehicles. Ford is considering whether to build any vehicles in fiscal 2007. Projections by leading economists are that Ford will lose $1.2 billion if Ford manufactures any vehicles in 2007, but will only lose $280 million if no vehicles are built.

* Due to limitations in federal funding, the National Hurricane Center of the National Weather Service will begin selling the names of hurricanes beginning in 2007. The first slate of "Advercanes" has been announced.

Hurricane Avis
Hurricane Bechtel
Hurricane Chevrolet
Hurricane Disney
Hurricane Enron
Hurricane Fruit of the Loom
Hurricane Google
Hurricane Halliburton
Hurricane iRobot
Hurricane Johnson & Johnson
Hurricane Kool
Hurricane Lego
Hurricane McDonald's
Hurricane Nestle
Hurricane Owens Corning
Hurricane Pfizer
Hurricane Rand
Hurricane Staples
Hurricane TWA
Hurricane Verizon
Hurricane Wal-Mart

The Center rejected a bid for Hurricane Marry Me Rhonda.

* The International Astronomical Union has determined that the only planet in the solar system is Jupiter. The IAU made the determination by a vote of three to two, while the other 10,000 members were having lunch. Mercury, Venus, Earth and Mars were all declassified as planets due to their proximity to the Sun. Mercury, Venus and Mars will now be called moons orbiting around the sun. Earth will be reclassified as a cheese grater. Saturn is being reclassified as a sun due to the groundbreaking work done by Arthur C. Clark in his work 2001: A Space Odyssey. Uranus and Neptune will be reclassified as not existing. Meanwhile Pluto in defiance of the IAU has changed its name to an unpronounceable symbol and is being called "The Planet formerly known as Pluto."

* The Transportation Security Administration has announced that it is banning all air travel through the November 2006 midterm elections. Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff made the announcement in Washington, DC. "We had hoped that the arrest of the London terror cell and prohibiting the taking of liquids on flights would cause enough fear to improve the President's poll numbers, but clearly more drastic action is needed." When asked how banning air travel would make the nation safer, Secretary Chertoff said, "Oh it does. Trust me." Chertoff recently rejected a proposal by Senate Democrats to turn over operation of the TSA to the British. "We are not going to allow the British to protect this nation from terrorism. The fact that the British are disrupting terror cells that plan attacks in this country is no reason to trust a foreign nation with our security. Meanwhile the Administration announced that an Iranian corporation, Death to America Corp., Inc., LLC, would be given a contract to operate security at the Port of Los Angeles.

* Hurricane Ernesto has been blamed for three deaths nationwide. In Fort Lauderdale a man committed suicide when he overheard his wife on the telephone say that she was worried about her husband being out in Ernesto. The man, who happened to have a lover named Ernesto, shot himself. In Baltimore an 86 year old man had a heart attack when he and his wife decided to stay in Saturday evening due to Ernesto. "We usually go to bingo on Saturday nights. But we were afraid to go outside due to Ernesto and we ended up staying home and having sex for the first time since 1995." The third death was a Virginia woman who slipped on a banana peel that was not visible due to a rain puddle caused by Hurricane Ernesto.