Today's Headlines 10/3/06

* President Bush announced today that the reason he invaded Iraq and lied to the American people was that he was molested by a priest when he was 13 years old. In an unrelated revelation, former head of FEMA Michael Brown and Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff announced that it was okay that they allowed New Orleans to be destroyed because they were molested by a priest and a rabbi when they were 13 years old. Vice President Cheney's attorney disclosed to the press that the reason he shot a man in the face was because he was molested by a minister when he was 13. Speculation has been brewing as to whether Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert was molested by a priest, which in turn prevented him from investigating certain allegation made against former Congressman Mark Foley.

* The House of Representatives passed the "Molested by a Priest Act of 2006." Under the Act any Congressman caught doing any wrongdoing would be absolved of responsibility if he confessed to being molested by a priest. The bill will now go into a conference committee where it must be reconciled the the Senate "Molested by a Clergyman Act of 2006," which was sponsored by Joe Lieberman, who recently announced the reason that the reason he voted for the Iraq War, kissed president Bush, and lost the 2004 Democratic nomination for president was that he was molested by a rabbi when he was 13.

* Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert called a press conference to denounce the partisan attacks on the Republican House leadership for attempting to cover up Congressman Mark Foley illicit relationship with numerous underage House pages. Hastert stated, "Clearly the Democrats are more interested in partisan attacks than protecting children. The question we should be asking is not why did the Republican House leadership cover up Congressman Foley's inappropriate contact. The question is why did this information come out so close to the election. If the Democrats really cared about the children, this would not have come out until November 8."

* Former President Bill Clinton beat to death Fox News' Chris Wallace. During an interview Wallace asked the former president why he helped al Queda attack the United States on 9/11. Wallace is remembered for his hard hitting questions asked to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, such as "Where is Pakistan?" and "How great do you feel for having removed the evil dictator Saddam Hussein from power?" It is unconfirmed, but sources close to President Clinton have suggested that he may reveal that he was molested by a priest prior to the interview.