The Orthodox Jewish Sex Shop

Note: All dialogue is in the thickest most Jewy accents possible.

Shop Keeper: Good morning welcome to the Orthodox Sex shop. How can I hep you?
Patron 1: Well, you see, tonight my wife is going to the mikvah. So
it's a special night and I want to get her something special.
SK: What were you thinking?
P1: Well, I was thinking that a vibrating dreidel would be nice. Do you
have any of those?
SK: Do have any vibrating dreidel? I have a million of them. Plastic,
wood, big, small, American, Israel Hebrew, Yiddish.Every Moshe, Dovid
and Shmendrik gets his wife a vibrating dreidel when she comes back
from the mikvah. I thought you said you wanted something special.
P1: Well, my wife,she likes the vibrating dreidel. don't know whatto tell you.
SK: Look. I'm not saying the vibrating dreidel isn't a nice product.
It's excellent. That's why I stock so many. I get ones made in
Jerusalem just a few blocks from the old City. They work like a neis, a miracle,
performed by Moshe Rabbeinu. If you put a vibrating dreidel near your
wife's clitoris when you have sex after she comes back from the
mikvah, she's guaranteed to come so loud that she'd rival the horns
that Joshua blasted when he brought down the walls of Jericho. The
vibrating dreidel is a high quality product. It wouldn't be in my
store if it wasn't. You think I'm some kind of ganef that would sell
crap vibrating dreidles? I'm just saying. It's a common itm and you
said you wantd something special.
P1: What would you recommend?
SK: Have I got something for you. Very special. A new item. You'll be
the first couple in Borough Park to have this. It's a leather harness
for your wife. It's got Mogen Davids on the front and passages from
tehillim (Psalms) on the back so you con recite them when you come
while riding her doggie style and make a nice Yididishe baby.
P1: Well, I don't know. Leather makes my wife chafe when she comes back
from the mikvah.
Sk: What's with the bailidikn. You think I would sell some kind of
shlock? What kind of soycher do you think I am? Get out of my store
you no-goodnik. Didn't your bubbe teach you any manners.

[Patron 1 leaves. and the Phone rings.]

SK: Hello. Moshe. How's by you? Not so bad. My sciatica isn't so bad
today. The shul has been sayng tehillim and I took a Vicodin. I know
what you're calling about Moshe. And it's in. Yes. The shipment of
Queen Esther Blow up dolls camein this morning. They look fantastish.
What a nice Yiddishe punnim. And the asshole is like butter. But
Moshe. You really should find a nice Jewish girl and settle down.
What's a nice bachur like you doing using the Queen Esther blow up
doll? You should be making beautiful Jewish babies. My wife is still a
shadchan. I'm sure she could find the beshert maydle for you. But
until then, the Queen Esther blow up doll is $175 plus tax and you can
pick it up whenever you like. Good day Moshe.

SK: Good morning welcome to the Orthodox Sex shop. How can I hep you?
Patron 2: I have a problem and I was wondering if you could help me.
SK: Of course. I consider what I do to be not only a business, but
also Hashem's work. Believe me. I've heard it all. What can I do for
you?
P2: Well, you see, My wife and I we like to do it in the ass. We've
been using a regular lube. And we were thinking about trying a little
ass-to-mouth action. But got forbid the lube might have some chazir.
So I was hoping you have some kosher lube.
SK: Well, doing it in the ass is not something usually condone. I
consider myself god's emissary on earth helping Orthodox couples
explore their full sexual potential making shayne Yiddishe kindele. Of
course, if you come in your wife's ass or her mouth , you're not
making Jewish babies. But, hold your horses. No need to hurry out. I
do carry a brand f kosher lubricant, which is made specifically for
couples where the woman can't get so wet and then the husband lkes to
have her suck on his cock during the act. This product is kosher.
Parve. So you don't have to worry about using it after milchigs or
fleishigs. It has a nice sweet taste like a piece cake. This I will
sell to you. Or you can in a pinch, use some shmaltz. But I cannot urge
you too strongly, that when you come, you should come in your wife's
pussy and make a nice Yiddishe baby.
P2: Thank you.

SK: Good morning welcome to the Orthodox Sex shop. How can I hep you?
Patron 3: My wife and I, we like things a little kinky and we wanted
to try something new. Iwas wondering if you had a forleyg for us in
our sexual endeavors.
SK: What do you like? Pain? Leather? Latex? Role play?
P3: My wife likes a bissel pain to turn her on.
SK: Well, if you want a bissel pain. I have a product, very popular in
Flatbush. It's a menorah designed to hold the candles firmly in place
Then you can drip the wax on your wife's nipples. This will hopfully
be very enjoyable for yor wife. A bissel pain, not tsu fil. This is a
high quality product. Made from sterling silver. Hand crafted by
widows in Eretz Yisroel. In fact some people like it so much becase it
holds the candles in lace that they end up using it as their regular
menorah for Chanukah too.
P3: Well, that sounds like a vunderlekh product. But don't think it's
for us. You see. My wife is very fastidious and I am afraid that the
wax will make a mess.
SK: Oh. I understand completely. Then I have another suggestion. It's
something that I myself use. It was such a mitziyah for me. It's a
shaytle that has nipple clamps. So,when you ride your wife and pull
her hair, the shaytle won't come off, and you get the extra benefit of
the sensation on her nipples.
P3: That sounds mamash perfect. I'll take that.Thank you.
SK: You are quite welcome. I hope it turns your wife on and you make
lots of nice Yiddishe babies.