Today's Headlines 6/28/04

* The United States today invaded Iran and then immediately handed over sovereignty to Ayatollah Ali Khamenei and President Mohammad Khatami. "If only we had done this in Iraq we would have solved a lot of problems." one Bush administration spokesman said. "If only we had thought of this in Iraq." said Paul Bremer. The administration announced that it had been working on a plan to hand sovereignty to the existing Saudi monarchy without actually invading. President Bush marked the hand-over as he does all important victories in the War on terror by playing two rounds of golf.

* Bush administration announces plan to kill Democrats who register to vote. Plan will be modeled after Afghanistan system of voter registration.

* Supreme Court holds that sentences for all non-white collar crimes will be death. "The sentencing system in the US is unconstitutional and the only remedy is to have a unitary system where the death penalty is evenly applied." said Justice Antonin Scalia. The punishment for all white collar crimes will be having to read former President Clinton's autobiography.

* John Kerry announced today that his choice for Vice President was Dick Cheney.

Today's Headlines 6/23/04

* Bush administration announces that it set the tone for humane treatment of prisoners of war. A White House spokesman said, "A lot of people wanted to poke the prisoners with sharp sticks. Others wanted to ask them questions about international terrorist cells. Still more wanted to put them to bed with out any broth or any bread. But we decided that would be inhumane. Then someone, I think it was Don Rumsfeld came up with the idea of sodomizing them and parading them around naked in a humane way. You don't want to know what John Ashcroft wanted to do to them."

* The Bush administration announced today that it had replaced an electronic card, which people would now eat instead of food they used to buy with food stamps.

* Bush administration announces that it will replace outgoing CIA Director with disgraced, resigning Connecticut Governor John Rowland. "He's polling very well, except for Connecticut and we're not going to win there anyway." said an administration spokesperson. "A CIA Director needs to be sneaky and Rowland got away with graft and corruption for 9 and a half years and that's five more ears than we really need."

* Wolfowitz testifies that the administration misjudged the capacity of Americans to believe the war in Iraq was part of the war on terror. "The administration clearly blundered. We expected the public to believe the story until mid 2005, but that was clearly an error of judgment."

* Bush administration announces that first private space flight conclusively proves the link between Iraq and al Queda, hindered the search for weapons of mass destruction, and is responsible for former president Clinton's record book sales.

Today's Headlines 6/20/04

* Laura Bush makes President sleep on the couch because he has not found Osama Bin Laden.

* More Justice Department memoranda have been found that were hidden behind the big blue curtain that covers Lady Justices Boobies. Memos include "How Finding Osama Bin Laden in October 2004 will be good for America"; "Misleading the American Public about the Link between Iraq and al Queda is not Illegal, No Not One Little Bit"; "Medical Marijuana Causes Global Warming"; and "Tampering with the Diebold Machines in Ohio is an Act of Patriotism"

* Kerry announces that he will hold egg toss to determine who he will choose as Vice President. Dick Gephardt whines, "But we usually have a fund raising contest."

* Democrats announce Platform for 2004 Convention. However, due to mix up at printer, Democratic platform will be: "Bach is Evil!"

* Bush announces plan that will increase the minimum wage by 2010. Plan is called the "Helping working family initiative." Plan will increase minimum wage be three cents over six years. Increase to be offset by $196 billion tax cut for large corporations and a 10% increase in employee insurance payments.

* "Helping working family initiative" gets bogged down in Republican-led conference committee. New version of bill eliminates the minimum wage and cuts taxes to large corporations by $198 trillion. Government now owes Halliburton $35 trillion in back tax refunds.

* GOP announces that initiative to portray John Kerry as a waffler backfired as most voters had not heard of Kerry before the ads, which they misunderstood to mean that he likes waffles, a position held by 67% of all Americans.

* Clinton admits in autobiography that he took anti-depressants, which caused him to commit suicide as a teenager.

Today's Headlines 6/12/04

* The White House announced today that the war in Iraq was justified because Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction in his heart. The Bush administration also announced that no one was killed in Iraq today. Scott McClellan, the White House press secretary said, "La la la la la la la. I can't hear you."

* The Department of the Interior will be renovating the face of Mount Rushmore. As part of the renovation the current faces (George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, and Teddy Roosevelt) will be modernized and replaced with Ronald Reagan, George Herbert Walker Bush. George W. Bush and Leo Strauss.

* Halliburton will be raising gasoline prices to $5.00 a gallon. "Dick Cheney could not bear the immorality of gasoline selling for a penny lower," one spokesman said.

* Arnold Schwarzenegger and Planet Hollywood will be catering the Republican National Convention.

* Four jurors were removed today for having illicit affairs with Scott Peterson. "Oh yes, I think he killed his wife," said one of the dismissed jurors. "But I can't resist a bad boy."

*John Kerry announced today that he was "somewhat opposed" to the Bush administration's policy of trying to destroy the world. "I take strong positions and I stick to them," said Kerry. In a later interview Kerry clarified his position and noted that he is only "slightly opposed" to the Bush administration's policy of trying to destroy the world.

* Dick Cheney stated today that he never said there was a connection between Iraq an al Queda, that he never worked for Halliburton, that he never had a heart attack, and that he wasn't hiding on 9/11.