Headlines 11/12/06

* The ad hoc committee to examine expenditures in Iraq has found widespread fraud and waste in the system. Among the findings were $18 billion spent on building an oil pipeline to the Persian Gulf. Dismantling the pipeline. Rebuilding it. And then dismantling it again. Halliburton has been accused of merely building and dismantling the pipeline once and then pocketing the extra money. However a spokesperson for Halliburton assured the press that Halliburton did not build and dismantle the pipeline once. An investigation is being headed up by Vice President Dick Cheney. The committee also found that Bechtel sold Iraq's only cow for a bunch of supposedly magic beans.

* Speaker-elect and soon to be Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid announced legislation to implement the Democrats Six for '06. The six 1. National security; 2. Jobs and wages; 3. Energy independence; 4. Affordable health care; 5. Retirement security; and 6. College access. Legislation will be implemented as follows:

1. All flights shall be grounded, all domestic chemical plants will be closed, all prisoners in Guantanamo Bay will be executed, we will invade Iran, Saudi Arabia and Syria, and a 400 foot high wall will be built along the entire Canadian border;

2. CEO salaries will be subject to a mandatory minimum of $100 million per year regardless of fiscal profits, workers minimum wage to be increased by fifteen cents over the next six years;

3. After the US invades Iran, Saudi Arabia and Syria, a pipeline will be built from the Persian Gulf to Iowa where giant oil tanks will be built to hold all Persian Gulf oil reserves;

4. In order to reduce costs all functions of Medicaid will be turned over to Bechtel in a no bid contract while all functions of Medicare will be turned over to Halliburton;

5. The Social Security fund will be invested in Halliburton to fund Halliburton's takeover of Medicare. Halliburton expects a 26% annual return on this investment. Should the investment not succeed senior citizens will be put to death at age 78; and

6. All Americans will be provided with a Harvard Education. All colleges and universities in the United States will become branches of Harvard University.

* Speaker-elect and soon to be Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid announced legislation to implement the Democrats Six for '06. The six 1. National security; 2. Jobs and wages; 3. Energy independence; 4. Affordable health care; 5. Retirement security; and 6. College access. Legislation will be implemented as follows:

1. Instead of being allowed to bring on carry on luggage, all travelers will only be allowed to carry on the latest issue of Mother Jones magazine, security guards at all domestic chemical plants will wear fresh cut organically grown flowers in their labels because flowers have a calming effect on potential terrorists, all prisoners at Guantanamo Bay will be released on their own recognizance as a gesture of empathy to the Arab world, Iraq will be established as an autonomous collective, and all Mexicans in the US will be issued American passports;

2. All national wages will be distributed to all employees equally regardless of job title; all corporate decisions to be made by consensus;

3. $3 billion will be spent to develop fuel made out of recycled toilet paper and tissues;

4. There will be universal health care coverage for all Americans, all healthcare will be provided by acupuncturists and specialists in holistic medicine;

5. Due to all healthcare being provided by acupuncturists and holistic medicine specialists no persons will live past 65 saving the Social Security fund; and

6. All Americans will be given access to a college education. All states will be required to build and open a university to house all the poor and stupid high school graduates of the state. Congress shall not provide any funding for this project.

Headlines 11/3/06

* The Democrats announced that if they are elected to majorities in the House and the Senate they will change the plan for Iraq. The current plan for Iraq by the White House and the Republicans is "Stay the Course." If the Democrats are elected, according to Representative Nancy Pelosi, the new Democratic plan will be "Attempt to Try to Endeavor to Remain in a State of a Condition to Maintain the Continuation of the Current Trajectory which is Currently being Maintained." The DCCC is printing up buttons for the incoming freshmen Congressmen.

* Senator John Kerry was criticized for comments made in a speech. The original intent of the speech was to criticize President Bush for his efforts to send illiterate soldiers into Iraq. In the original version of the speech, Senator Kerry was to say, "Knock knock. Who's there? An illiterate soldier in Iraq. An illiterate soldier in Iraq, who? An illiterate soldier in Iraq who is going to vote against the Republicans because President Bush sent me to Iraq." However, when Senator Kerry made the speech he said, "Why are all the illiterate soldiers going to Iraq? Because that's all we have? All our soldiers are stupid. Stupid illiterate soldiers. And they vote Republican. So fuck them."

* The Rev. Ted Haggard, an Evangelical Christian leader resigned his pulpit today when it was learned that he enjoyed watching Judy Garland movies and once sang "Get Happy" in the shower. Rev. Haggard admitted that he once listened to a Judy Garland song in a rental car while on vacation because he did not know what the car's radio presets were, but denied the allegations. There is speculation that the Evangelical vote in Colorado could be suppressed by the accusations; however, Ken Mehlman, Chairman of the Republican National Committee, stated that he expected more Judy Garland fans to vote with the Republicans as a result.

* The Republican National Committee released a new advertisement today in which Osama Bin Laden endorsed Claire McCaskill in the Missouri Senate race due to McCaskill's support for stem cell research and Bin Laden's kidney condition. Liberal pundits criticized the commercial due to Bin Laden's looking particularly terroristy in the video. "In Bin Laden's video he is brandishing a bazooka. In his previous films he brandished an AK-47. Clearly he is playing up his connection to terrorism," said Al Franken. After media outcry, Franken later apologized stating that he really had never seen Bin Laden in a video with a bazooka, but that Bin Laden still did move his eyes back and forth in a shiftier manner than in his previous videos.

* Scientists have found that a diet consisting entirely of red wine will completely eliminate heart disease and cancer. Some have postulated that one could not live entirely on red wine, pointing to several studies in which participants died due to scurvy from a lack of vitamin C. However, it was later learned that the glasses of wine were served with a lime garnish and that several participants in the study in fact ate the lime. An investigation is being conducted to determine whether any of the participants in the study ate the peanuts and snack mix served at the laboratory where the study was conducted.

* The Republican National Committee announced today that george Allen (R-VA) was giving up his campaign to maintain his senate seat in wake of allegations that he is half-Jewish and therefore unelectable in Virginia. Ken Mehlman made the announcement. The new nominee will be Borat Sagdiyev, the fictional anti-Semitic character played by Sacha Baron Cohen. "Borat represents the values of the Republican party in Virginia," said Mehlman, who later refused to address questions about the fact that Sacha Baron Cohen is Jewish and that Borat's anti-Semitism is in fact ironic. The Anti-Defamation league denounced the nomination, but later endorsed candidate Borat due to Jim Webb's sexism. The statement issued by the ADL noted that sexism was worse than anti-Semitism because women were inferior to Jews and that people shouldn't pick on them.