Headlines 01/21/2013
* As Barack Obama was sworn in today a secret cabal of Republicans met in the pizza parlor owned by Jack Abramoff to discuss their missions and goals during the Obama presidency. In attendance were Newt Gingrich, Herman Cain, Chuck Norris, Dick Morris, and Karl Rove. Various plans were suggested but they decided that their ultimate goal would be to ensure that Obama was only a two term president and that if the republicans accomplished nothing else in the next four years it would be worth it.
*Congress voted today to increase the debt limit by four and a half days. House Speaker John Boehner said, "The four day debt limit increase will give us the breathing room to negotiate and permit the business community to have the security that it needs to function for the next four and a half days." Boehner then adjourned the House for two weeks and went to Florida for a golf vacation.
* President François Hollande of France stated today that French troupes would stay in Mali until the people stopped saying that the French were cowards or until al Queda was eliminated from Mali, whichever came second. He promised a French troupe commitment up to 8,000 soldiers, which would consist of 150% of the French army and marines.
* The FAA today said that the Boeing 787 would remain grounded until such time as it was explained why they were blowing up on the runway or that the Boeing corporation donated $4.3 million to the RNC.
* The NRA came out with a new campaign slogan today, called, "Buy a gun and kill a federal agent before he kills you, hypothetically." This new slogan was announced by Executive Vice President, Wayne LaPierre, who said that the previous slogan, "Buy a gun and kill Barack Obama, it's your constitutional duty, hypothetically" was voted down by a vote of 6-5.
* Algerian officials said Sunday that security forces combing the scene of a bloody four-day hostage siege had discovered that all the hostages had been killed by friendly fire during the raid to rescue them. “There are a good 20 bodies,” a senior Algerian official said, followed by "Whoopsies" and "Well can't win em all." Senator John Kerry, who has been nominated to be Secretary of State, made this announcement. "We regret the tragedy that occurred, though that doesn't mean that we don't support the initiative taken by the Algerian government, however, that doesn't mean that the US government supports the actions taken either, however, that doesn't mean that anything that was done was against American interest, but it might not have been in American interests either."
* Timothy Geithner announced today that he was leaving his position as Treasury Secretary to take a position at AIG where he will be paid a $100 million consulting fee as Executive In Charge of Making Sure Past Bonuses Get Paid.
Editor's Note: Nothing in these headlines should be taken as a statement that the world is anything other than absurd.
*Congress voted today to increase the debt limit by four and a half days. House Speaker John Boehner said, "The four day debt limit increase will give us the breathing room to negotiate and permit the business community to have the security that it needs to function for the next four and a half days." Boehner then adjourned the House for two weeks and went to Florida for a golf vacation.
* President François Hollande of France stated today that French troupes would stay in Mali until the people stopped saying that the French were cowards or until al Queda was eliminated from Mali, whichever came second. He promised a French troupe commitment up to 8,000 soldiers, which would consist of 150% of the French army and marines.
* The FAA today said that the Boeing 787 would remain grounded until such time as it was explained why they were blowing up on the runway or that the Boeing corporation donated $4.3 million to the RNC.
* The NRA came out with a new campaign slogan today, called, "Buy a gun and kill a federal agent before he kills you, hypothetically." This new slogan was announced by Executive Vice President, Wayne LaPierre, who said that the previous slogan, "Buy a gun and kill Barack Obama, it's your constitutional duty, hypothetically" was voted down by a vote of 6-5.
* Algerian officials said Sunday that security forces combing the scene of a bloody four-day hostage siege had discovered that all the hostages had been killed by friendly fire during the raid to rescue them. “There are a good 20 bodies,” a senior Algerian official said, followed by "Whoopsies" and "Well can't win em all." Senator John Kerry, who has been nominated to be Secretary of State, made this announcement. "We regret the tragedy that occurred, though that doesn't mean that we don't support the initiative taken by the Algerian government, however, that doesn't mean that the US government supports the actions taken either, however, that doesn't mean that anything that was done was against American interest, but it might not have been in American interests either."
* Timothy Geithner announced today that he was leaving his position as Treasury Secretary to take a position at AIG where he will be paid a $100 million consulting fee as Executive In Charge of Making Sure Past Bonuses Get Paid.
Editor's Note: Nothing in these headlines should be taken as a statement that the world is anything other than absurd.
posted by posttimestribune at 2:12 AM
0 comments
