Today's Headlines 8/25/04

* Condoleezza Rice said today that Iran would not be allowed to develop nuclear weapons. When asked what the United States was going to do if Iran developed nuclear weapons, Rice answered that the United States would in that situation invade Iraq. When it was pointed out that the United States had already invaded Iraq, and that therefore, the threat to invade that nation would not pose much of a threat, Rice stated, "Um. I don't know Syria maybe? Or Jordan. Maybe Lebanon."

* Jesus Christ today announced that he was endorsing george W. Bush for President and Richard Cheney for Vice President. Christ's endorsement, which will likely be a boon to the Bush administration, was announced today by the Bush press secretary, Scott McClellan. "The endorsement of Christ was delivered to Bush himself, no one else being close enough to Christ to receive information about the endorsement. Bush was with Presidential advisor Karl Rove when he received the endorsement. "You were just endorsed by Jesus Christ," said Rove. "Cool," said Bush, adding, "He helped me cure my addiction to coke and booze. He's a nice fella."

* Correction: In yesterday's paper we noted that the Republican party had chosen Alan Keyes of Maryland to oppose Barack Obama in the Illinois Senatorial race because there was not a black Republican in the state. As it turns out Keyes was chosen because the Republican party could not find a Republican candidate within Illinois who had not been sex sex clubs with his ex-wife.

* The Bush administration announced that the creation of only 32,000 jobs in the month of July showed that the country had definitely "turned the corner" and that the recovery was now accomplished. "If the recovery was ongoing then more jobs would be created and if the recovery is over then then the country must have recovered," stated Elaine Chao, Secretary of Labor. When asked about the unemployment figures Chao stated that any unemployment "is attributable to Bill Clinton and John Kerry is a flip-flopper."

Today's Headlines 8/24/04

* The Bush administration announced today that the economy would no longer be measured in terms of GDP (gross domestic profit) because that doesn't highlight the administration's successes enough. The new measure of the economy, since the GDP shows the country going bankrupt, will be the GDR. The Gross Domestic Raping of the economy measures the economy in terms of the ratio of salaries of CEOs to workers, tracks the number of jobs that have been outsourced to other nations, tracks how mean salaries have been dropping, tracks the ratio of the tax burden on the wealthy to the middle class and poor, and, finally, the shares of Halliburton. According to the GDR George Bush is the greatest president since Herbert Hoover.

* Fox News announced that in order to avoid the confusion of the 2000 election it would call every single state for George Bush at 7:00 a.m. on election day. [No date was specified, pending Karl Rove's announcement of when it will take place.] If Bush concedes in any state, that state will be moved into the "Undecided" column. Not to be outdone by Fox, CNN and MSNBC both projected George Bush the winner of the election.

* The Bush administration announced that the man arrested by Pakistan in the beginning of July, Mohammed Naeem Noor Khan, had planned on disrupting the vote in the United States. Thus, to thwart his plans to interrupt the democratic process they announced his arrest during the Democratic national convention. "It was appropriate to announce this capture a month after it occurred and during the Democratic National Convention because the terrorists want to elect a Democrat." said the White House Press Secretary.

* John Kerry, in an effort to court moderate voters and quell the impression that he is a "flip-flopper" is in the Midwest speaking about his proposals he is talking about fiscal responsibility and tax cuts. He is also talking about gun owners' rights and national security. When asked whether fiscal responsibility was antithetical to tax cuts and gun owner's right contrary to national security needs Kerry began jumping up and down screaming. "I am not a flip-flopper. I have three purple hearts." At this point the crowd began to disburse, however when Kerry began to yell, "I am not George Bush" the crowd started to cheer and scream "Kerry in 04. We love you John."

Today's Headlines 8/10/04

* Op-Ed
By E Pluribus Unum
Guest Columnist
Why I am supporting George W. Bush for President.

I realize that many of you will be surprised that I am endorsing George Bush over John Kerry in the presidential election. I have ranted and raved against the Bush administration program of bankrupting the country and destroying the world on many occasions because I don't think that it's the right direction for the country at this point in history. And yes, I opposed the war in Iraq, not because I oppose war, because I love war. I just wanted to go to war with a country that was actually dangerous or an enemy, like Saudi Arabia, or Iran, or North Korea, or even France or Luxembourg. And yes I did write 138 columns about how President Bush should be impeached for infringing on civil liberties, ending enforcement of environmental regulations, lying to the nation about Iraq's WMDs, his failure to capture Bin Laden, the no-bid contracts to Halliburton, his illegal profits from his sale of Harken stock, allowing over 100 Saudis and members of the Bin Laden family to leave the country on September 13, and all that other bad crap. Oh and don't forget how I railed against the Bush position in 2001, which cut funding to a $1.4 million program that decommissioned old Soviet nuclear missiles and made the nuclear (sorry, nuculer) material unattainable and unusable by terrorists while at the same time proposed spending $100 billion on an non-functioning missile shield. Of was I ranting when I wrote that column. I have called Bush a murderer, liar, thief, tax-evader, douche-bag, fascist, lunatic, and a bad bicyclist. This morning, however, the FBI agents that monitor my column came to me and stated that if I do not endorse President Bush, that they would take my cat and give her to Bill Frist, Senate majority leader. [See related article "Frist killed pet kittens in medical school"] Therefore, upon reflection, it has become clear to me that during this time of crises the lord has chosen George W. Bush to destroy the world and bankrupt the country for a reason and who am I to question that decision.

* John Kerry announces blueprint for independence from Mid-East Oil. Plan includes drilling in ANWAR, buying Russian oil at over-inflated prices, invading Venezuela, replacing Kansas with a giant solar panel, making owning a SUV punishable by death, and a lot of walking.

Today's Headlines 8/8/04

* The Bush administration stated that it was not going to sanction Pakistan for allowing the Taliban to train along the Pakistan-Afghanistan border. "There is no link between the Taliban and Saddam Hussein," said the White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. When questioned about the lack of toes between al Queda and Iraq and reminded that the Taliban supported al Aqueda for years, McClellan started jumping up and and down screaming. "Saddam Hussein. Saddam Hussein. The world is safer. The world is safer."

* Raising the terrorist threat level to Orange was not entirely based on information three years old and was not raised to prevent Kerry's post convention bounce. According to the Department of Homeland Security, raising the alert level was also based on seeing a dark skinned fellow who did not belong at the New York Stock Exchange. An anonymous source has stated that the individual in question was Michael Millikin who was having lunch with Dick Grasso. Howard Dean suggested today that when the administration raise the terror alert level for political purposes, that it use a different color scheme. Orange would remain the color for a real terror alert while Burnt Orange would be the alert level for a fake alert for political purposes. "This compromise would allow the president to gain political advantage from fake terror alerts, but would save our nation's cities millions of dollars that are wasted responding to these fake alerts," said Dean. Tom Ridge, Secretary of Homeland Security responded, "We don't do politics in the Department of Homeland Security, to do so would interfere with God's hand in choosing President Bush to lead us through this trying time." The terror alert was then raised to Burnt Orange.

* President Bush, responding to new polls that show his only advantage over John Kerry is his handling of terrorism, changed his campaign platform. The old platform: bankrupting the country, lying about everything, misleading the nation into war, ruining America's reputation, destroying the world, and opposition to gay marriage. The new platform: war, war, terrorism, war, terrorism, war, terrorism is bad, don't forget to be afraid, terrorism, war, war, war, and opposition to gay marriage.

* Halliburton settled a charge with the SEC that it had engaged in illegal bookkeeping practices during Dick Cheney's tenure as CEO of the company. Under the terms of the settlement agreement Halliburton will pay a $50,000 fine to the SEC, make a $7.5 million donation to the Republican party, receive a $100 billion contract to pick daisies in Iraq, pay Dick Cheney $4 million in stock options, and pay the filing fees for Ralph Nader's campaign in Florida, New Hampshire, Ohio, and Oregon. In a related story, four former finance employees who have filed a class-action lawsuit on behalf of investors who bought the company's shares are being investigated by the FBI for leaking Valarie Plame's name, lying to Congress, fraud, homosexual marriage, donating money to the democratic party, being terrorists, and suggesting that the terror alert level was raised to Orange for political purposes.

* The Bush administration is pushing to weaken a proposed new treaty aimed at expanding the current international bans on the production of weapons-grade uranium and plutonium, insisting that no provisions for inspections or verification be included. The treaty would make it harder for North Korea to go into the business of exporting plutonium and enriched uranium. The administration claims that an enforceable treaty would generate a false sense of security and that it would be easier to get other countries to sign an unenforceable one. Said one White House spokesperson, "This treaty would significantly hamper the administration's policy of destroying the world. Moreover, the administration is opposed to a false sense of security when our resources are continually being devoted to a false sense of insecurity." [Note: the Bush position on this treaty is entirely true. The only thing made up is the quote.]

Today's Headlines 8/6/04

* The republican controlled congress today passed an Amendment to the Constitution that states that the President of the United States shall retain his position during wartime. The amendment abrogates presidential elections during war. Additionally, the Amendment the Twenty Second amendment would also be tolled during wartime. A proposed democratic condition that the president only wage necessary war and that the war be fought competently and honorably was defeated along party lines. Debate over the proposed amendment focused primarily on whether the "Mission Accomplished" sign meant that the amendment would not apply to the war in Iraq. Republicans noted that America is fighting a war on terrorism and that counted and that George Bush would stay president until Jenna Bush was 35. The amendment must now be ratified by three-fifths of the states to become part of the Constitution.

* George Bush announced today that he was both a wartime president and a peacetime president and that the fact that the war in Iraq, which is both ongoing and over, that he had cut taxes and reduced the deficit, and eliminated environmental regulations and made the air cleaner. John Kerry announced that the United States needed to do more to protect our nation's borders and ports. Fox news reported that this showed that President Bush is decisive and the Senator Kerry is a flip-flopper.

* Tom Ridge announced that the fact that raising the terror alert to Orange minutes after the Democratic Convention was over had nothing to do with preventing Kerry from receiving a post-convention bounce. Raising the terror alert was based on data that was collected in 2001. Ridge said, "This administration would never use the terror alert level to play politics. The insinuation is absurd. This administration would not do such a thing. We wouldn't try and amend the Constitution for political gain either. The administration also wouldn't lie about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, or name initiatives that eliminated environmental regulations "The Clean Skies Initiative" or name a program that destroys our nation's schools "The Leave No Child behind Act." This administration has restored honor and integrity to the White House! President Bush has not had a single blow job since being elected! Dick Cheney is not a Zombie Robot! There is no secret plan to capture Osama Bin Laden on October 30, 2004! No votes were uncounted in Florida! Karl Rove did not leak Valarie Plame's name to Robert Novak!" At which point Ridge passed out under the weight of his nine foot long nose.

* John Kerry announced that he was changing his website to franklinroosevelt.com. Kerry, who referred obliquely to Roosevelt in his acceptance speech learned that Franklin Roosevelt polled better against President Bush than he did. A Kerry spokesman said, "Although Kerry supporters support Kerry against Bush. Nader supporters love FDR and we are doing whatever we can to attract them to the campaign." Nader announced that he was changing his website to www.avoteformeisnotwastedandsowhatifbushisreelectedanddestroystheworld.com.

Today's Headlines 8/5/04

* John Kerry announced today that he had legally changed his name to Anybody But Bush. New polling data suggests that this will ultimately be beneficial to his campaign. In a match up between John F. Kerry and George W. Bush Kerry leads 49% to 47% with a 3% margin of error. However, when voters are asked to choose between George W. Bush and Anybody But Bush voters choose Anybody But Bush 105% to -5% with a plus or minus error of 5%.

* The Bush administration announced that it was raising the terror alert level to Orange anywhere John kerry has a campaign rally. "We are very concerned for Senator Kerry's safety. The Bush campaign has spend tens of millions of dollars denigrating Kerry's image and it doesn't have the time or resources to begin over with a new candidate," a Bush campaign spokesman stated. She added, "This is not a political act."

* The FBI has arrested Howard Dean for announcing sate secrets. Dean accused the Bush administration of using terrorism to manipulate the public. An FBI spokesman said that Dean was arrested for announcing state secrets during wartime.

*Fox news announced that it was endorsing George W. Bush as president and Rudolph Guiliani as Vice President. When a Fox spokesman was told that Dick Cheney was the Republican candidate for Vice President, the Fox spokesman s"aid, isn't this September 5, 2004? "Didn't Cheney step down because of a heart attack yesterday?" When told that it was August 5, 2004, the Fox spokesman announced that Fox was endorsing George W. Bush as president and Richard Cheney as Vice President.

* President Bush announced the creation of a Notional Intelligence Czar. The post, which will be held by Henry Kissinger, will be responsible for for ensuring that no one ever finds out who leaked Valarie Plames name to Robert Novak and destroying all of George W. Bush's records in the Texas Air National Guard. "The creation of this post will make America safer," said President Bush 45 times in an interview about the economy.

* The State of Alaska announced that in the interest of equity and fairness that all students who take the 8th grade standardized test will receive a score of 75%. The agreement, which requires court approval, would conclude one of several legal challenges to the high school exit exams that have been adopted in some form by about half the states. The exams have been embraced as a way of ensuring that students master the basics of a high school education before getting a diploma.

Today's Headlines 8/2/04

* President Bush's campaign manager announced that they would be using the month of August to attack John Kerry. The month of August is usually fairly quiet during presidential campaigns. A campaign spokesman explained that the attacks would not be coordinated with simultaneous, consistent attacks by the RNC, Fox News, and the Washington Times, all of which would be based on daily talking points drafted by Karl Rove. The Bush campaign stated that the attacks would occur in August because the campaign has $100 million and has to do something with it during August, President Bush would be too busy observing the Jewish holidays during September to do any campaigning, and too busy with the October surprise planned by Karl Rove to campaign during October.

* The Bush administration announced a new initiative entitled "The Plan Not to Bankrupt America and Not Destroy the World." The plan will consist of two stages. The first stage will be eliminating taxes on incomes about $200,000 and building a $2 trillion missile defense system that does not work. The second stage will consist of dropping nuclear weapons on all nations alphabetically.

* The Department of Homeland Security raised the terror threat level in New York to "John Kerry is dangerous" from "John Kerry is ludicrous." The Department denied reports that it was trying to interfere with the post-democratic-convention bounce in the polls.

* Kerry campaign announces that John Kerry never in fact served in the Senate and that he ran for president immediately after leaving the prosecutor's office, actually right after Vietnam. In fact he started running for president when he got off the Swift boat.

Today's Headlines 8/1/04

* The Kerry campaign released a statement today that the accidental exposure of Theresa Heinz Kerry's left breast at the end of the convention on Thursday night after Senator Kerry's acceptance speech was due to a balloon malfunction. The FCC is investigating the incident and expects to fine Howard Stern $4.4 million for indecency.

* John Kerry accepted the democratic nomination Thursday night while repeatedly lifting a dumbbell weighing 235 pounds over his head. "I may not have the compelling personal story of raising myself up from being a mill worker's son of John Edwards. I may not have the ability to excite people like Howard Dean. I may not have the eloquence of Al Sharpton. But I have three purple hearts and together they don't even have one. Speaking of a lack of hearts, how 'bout that Dick Cheney. What an asshole." Upon hearing that Kerry was using his three purple hearts as a sign of his bravery and ability to be President, George Bush instructed the Texas Air National Guard to issue him six purple hearts, one for every time he showed up for duty hung over and another for the time he chocked on a pretzel.

* The White House announced that the Budget Deficit will be eliminated in 2005 and would in fact have been eliminated in 2004 had John Kerry not voted to to spent $300 billion on a haircut for himself. The White House claimed that the "liberal press" was muckraking by accusing it of lying about the projected surplus and what was in fact a nonexistent vote by Senator Kerry. "The budget deficit will be eliminated in 2005 after we pass the "Strengthening Social Security and Medicare Act," said John Bolten, President Bush's budget director. The Act, which proposes completely eliminating Social Security and Medicare, would save approximately $500 billion annually.

* The Bush-Cheney camp has started attacking Senator John Edwards for having not having enough heart attacks. "A man who hasn't had two heart attacks by the time he's turned fifty cannot be trusted to be Vice President or President of the United States." Cheney, who has had three or four heart attacks depending on how you count them and has been accused of being a zombie robot, made the charge at a campaign rally in Yakima, Washington. When asked about the fact that president Bush is in the top 2% in terms of heart health, Cheney stated that President Bush's heart health was irrelevant and he was here to discuss John Edwards.

* The White House announced that the fact that economic growth had declined from 4.5% in the first quarter to 3% in the second quarter was both a sign of economic improvement because of President Bush's handling of the economy and a sign that the market was afraid that John Kerry would be elected president.