Today's Headlines 8/2/04

* President Bush's campaign manager announced that they would be using the month of August to attack John Kerry. The month of August is usually fairly quiet during presidential campaigns. A campaign spokesman explained that the attacks would not be coordinated with simultaneous, consistent attacks by the RNC, Fox News, and the Washington Times, all of which would be based on daily talking points drafted by Karl Rove. The Bush campaign stated that the attacks would occur in August because the campaign has $100 million and has to do something with it during August, President Bush would be too busy observing the Jewish holidays during September to do any campaigning, and too busy with the October surprise planned by Karl Rove to campaign during October.

* The Bush administration announced a new initiative entitled "The Plan Not to Bankrupt America and Not Destroy the World." The plan will consist of two stages. The first stage will be eliminating taxes on incomes about $200,000 and building a $2 trillion missile defense system that does not work. The second stage will consist of dropping nuclear weapons on all nations alphabetically.

* The Department of Homeland Security raised the terror threat level in New York to "John Kerry is dangerous" from "John Kerry is ludicrous." The Department denied reports that it was trying to interfere with the post-democratic-convention bounce in the polls.

* Kerry campaign announces that John Kerry never in fact served in the Senate and that he ran for president immediately after leaving the prosecutor's office, actually right after Vietnam. In fact he started running for president when he got off the Swift boat.