Today's Headlines 7/31/04

* Post convention bounce. A new poll shows 95% of likely voters intend on voting for Kerry 3% for Nader and 2% for Bush. The poll, taken of people who look for sex using the Internet personals, had a sampling error of +/- 3%. before the convention a poll of NRA members attending a screening of Passion of the Christ showed Bush ahead by a significant margin. In that poll Bush led by 65% to 40% with negative 5% voting for Nader. That poll had a margin of error of +/- 5%. Kerry's campaign manager, Mary Beth Cahill, stated that the bounce was due to the positive message that John Kerry brought to the convention and that the bounce would have been more significant if those f**king balloons had dropped when they were supposed to. Bush advisor Karl Rove stated that he was not worried because by the time the election takes place next December or January Kerry would be dead and Edwards thoroughly discredited by false salacious blackmail. Moreover, the FBI announced that it would begin immediately arresting people who look for sex using the Internet personals.

* Hamid Karzai, president of Afghanistan, picked Mullah Omar as his running mate for the October presidential race. "Mullah Omar has experience running Afghanistan and brings balance to the ticket," a spokesman for Karzai said.

* The Department of Immigration has rewritten the history exam taken by immigrants who wish to become U.S. citizens. New questions include the following: "The greatest President in United States history was: a. George Jetson; b. Ronald Reagan; c. Fred Flintstone; d. William Henry Harrison ; e. John kerry is a liberal flip-flopper and if you vote for him you will be deported."; "Americans are guaranteed the right to: a. vote unless they are convicted felons or if they are black and their names sound like convicted felons; b. bear arms; c. donate $2000 to the president's reelection campaign; d. all of the above ; e. John kerry is a liberal flip-flopper and if you vote for him you will be deported."; "John Kerry was born in France and will increase your taxes and is a flip-flopper and a liberal: a. True; b. True"; "George W. Bush won the 2000 election because: a. he received more popular votes; b. he received more electoral votes; c. he was anointed and chosen by god to reduce taxes; d. all of the above; e. John kerry is a liberal flip-flopper and if you vote for him you will be deported."; "George Washington and Abraham Lincoln is they were alive today would: a. endorse George Bush for president; b. always vote republicans because Democrats are terrorists; c. donate $2000 to the Bush campaign; d. all of the above ; e. John kerry is a liberal flip-flopper and if you vote for him you will be deported."; The best way to ensure that you pass this test is to: a. donate $2000, the maximum limit, to the Bush campaign; b. kill your children so that John Kerry can drink their blood; c. flip-flop on all the answer the way John Kerry flip-flops on issues; d. none of the above; e. John kerry is a liberal flip-flopper and if you vote for him you will be deported."

* Palestinian leader Yasir Arafat and his prime minister, Ahmed Qurei, hugged, kissed and publicly declared their love for one another in a same-sex marriage ceremony held in Massachusetts. Neither Israel nor the Palestinian Authority recognize same-sex marriages.

* The United States and France signed a peace treaty today as four French citizens held at Guantanamo Bay were returned to France. The war in France, which led to a logistical and political quagmire, was declared over as the United State installed an interim government in Paris.