Today's Headlines Legislative Alert 3/21/05

* Congress voted today to give sweeping new powers to your parents. Your parents may now go to federal court to get an injunction to prevent you from having pre-marital sex, drinking more than they think is right. Parents may also go to court to force you to go to church or synagogue once per week and eat a healthy breakfast. Tom DeLay, House Majority Leader stated, "Your parents know what is best for you. I know that you want to go to attend an out of state college, but your mom knows that it would lead you down a path of estrangement and sin. You would be much happier at a state school living at home. Terri Schindler's mother told her not to go out with Michael Schiavo and now he is trying to murder her. This bill will prevent such tragedies from happening." The bill also permits parents to get a federal injunction preventing you from dating Tommy MacPherson. A democratic amendment to the bill to prevent your parents from making decisions from your life after you are 35 was defeated on a party line vote. James Sensenbrenner, the House Majority Whip pointed out that when your mother came to visit she told you that your curtains didn't match your carpet and you said to her, "Mom I am 42 years old I have my own taste and can choose my own curtains." Sensenbrenner noted that this was wrong of you because all of your taste comes from your parents who raised you and loved you and if your mother thinks that you curtains and carpet don't match they obviously don't. "It is unconscionable that your parents were denied the opportunity to go to court to get an injunction forcing you to get new curtains." The law, titled, the Mother Knows Best Act of 2005, was lobbied heavily b your mother. Your grandmother, will be given the right to get an injunction to force your mother to come visit more often and to call every day; however, your grandmother will not be given the right to go to court to get an injunction ordering your mother to "lay off." The estimated costs of the new federal proceeding is approximately $235 million, which will be taken out of the federal Head Start and WIC programs.

Today's Headlines 3/19/05

* President Bush suffered his first defeat during his presidency when Senate democrats filibustered a Republican measure to destroy the world. Harry Reid the Senate Minority leader stated that the democrats were willing to allow a vote on Bush's policy of bankrupting the country, but were unwilling to allow republicans to destroy the world. "A line must be drawn somewhere and Senate Democrats today drew that line at destroying the world." When asked why the democrats didn't filibuster the measure to bankrupt the country, Ried stated that the democrats didn't want to seem obstructionist. A new advocacy group "Concerned Citizens for Ending Obstructionist Policies and for Saving the World" began a television campaign aimed at discrediting Democrats who participated in the filibuster. After the ads aired, support for the Democrats plummeted to .01%.

* House Republicans passed a measure today that would eliminate Medicaid. The Senate measure, which passed on a party line vote, would only eliminate Medicaid in "Blue" States. President Bush blasted the Senate measure as wasteful in these times of budgetary need. Scott McClellan, the White House Press secretary, stated, "We have eliminated taxes on incomes above $200,000 and now we need to show some fiscal restraint. The House measure does that, but the Senate measure doesn't go far enough." Attorney general Alberto Gonzalez stated that in his opinion that a measure to eliminate Medicare could become law if only passed by the House. The President stated that he would sign the House bill into law.

* Mark McGuire testified today that he had never played professional baseball and that any evidence of his use of performance enhancing illegal steroids was therefore irrelevant.

* President Bush today nominated Kenneth Lay to replace Alan Greenspan as Chairman of the Federal Reserve Board. The nomination of Michael Millikin as Chair of the SEC was also announced.