Today's Headlines 5/13/06

* The Democratic National Committee and CBS have announced a joint project for 2008 in which the democratic presidential candidates will all live together in one house, which will be on camera 24 hours per day. The televised program, to be called "Candidate House" will air on CBS during the spring of 2008. The name of the show was chosen by producers of CBS after they rejected the DNC's proposed title "Democratic Candidate Chosen by Votes of the American People in Non-Traditional Primary to be Aired Weekly and Chosen by Americans who Vote for the Candidate Who Will be the Democratic Candidate for President in 2008." Each week the candidates will choose two of their own and Americans will call in to eliminate one of them. Iowans and New Hampshirites were livid with the new proposal. Howard Dean, chairman of the DNC said that the decision was made to bring in more people under 24 into the political process. The winner of "Candidate House" will go on to face the winner of Fox News' "American Candidate" in which the best singing Republican candidate will be chosen by Simon Cowell.

* Condoleeza Rice dismissed the finding that Iran has enriched uranium. "Enriched uranium is not bomb grade uranium. Bomb grade uranium is bad, but enriched uranium can go either way. So the United States doesn't really need to do anything about it until they have bomb grade uranium. Well, not even bomb grade uranium, but a lot of bomb grade uranium. We don't want to go nuts since a little bomb grade uranium can't really do much other than create a dirty bomb." When asked why the U.S. was willing to go to war with Iraq over allegations that Iraq had tried to purchase uranium cake, which is less deadly than enriched uranium, Rice responded, "You can't compare Iraq and Iran. For Iraq to have thought about purchasing the far less deadly uranium cake is so very much worse than Iran having actually enriched uranium. I mean Iraq was at the time led by Saddam Hussein, who like Hitler, was a vegetarian. The leaders of Iran, Ayatollah Ali Hoseini-Khamenei and President Mahmud Ahmadi-Nejad both eat meat. Get it. Saddam Hussein bad. Like Hitler. Scary scary. Other leaders, not so bad. Plus the lesson of September 11, was that Saddam Hussein is very very bad." When confronted with evidence that Saddam Hussein was not in fact a vegetarian, Rice said, "Whatever. Hussein and Hitler were both chancellors of Germany. Both dated Eva Braun. Both have small mustaches. Both invaded Poland"

* President Bush when asked what was the greatest accomplishment of his presidency, stated that the greatest accomplishment was catching a seven and a half pound fish. Subsequent polling found that 90% of historians also concurred that catching the perch was the highlight of the Bush administration. A poll of 100 Americans had the following results: catching the perch-60%, Vice President Cheney shooting a man in the face-30%, and catching Osama bin Laden-10%.

* National Security Advisor, Stephen Hadley, defended the database of all telephone calls in the United States on the grounds of preventing another 9/11 attack. For example, in the week before September 11, Zacarias Moussaoui, the "20th hijacker" made six calls to his ex-girlfriend, three calls to a Domino's Pizza franchise and one call to his mother. The government is using this data to monitor anyone in the United States who calls his ex-girlfriend more often than he calls his mother and by arresting anyone who eats pizza for dinner more than twice per week.

* Tony Snow, White House Press Secretary, released a letter by Vice President Dick Cheney in response to the letter received by President Bush from Iranian President Mahmud Ahmadi-Nejad. The letter, which will also be released in Farsi, is as follows: "Dear President F*ckhead. If you think President Bush is going to listen to a letter from you, you are crazier than our CIA estimates predicted. President Bush doesn't even listen to the Republican Congress. He doesn't even listen to Laura. The only people President Bush listens to are Karl Rove and me. Stop writing to President Bush. He never loved you. He's only interested in Saddam Hussein. I know he said your country was in the Axis of Evil, but he just said that to be kind. He doesn't want to be enemies. Stop writing. I shot one of my friends in the face, imagine where I would shoot you."

* Democrats have stated that they will aggressively question Gen. Michael V. Hayden, nominee to be CIA Director, during his confirmation hearings. When asked what tough questions the Democrats intended on asking him, Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) stated that although the Democrats had forgotten how to ask tough questions, they had contacted your girlfriend's parents, who asked you about your career plans, what your intentions were with their daughter, and numerous other questions, which you didn't want to answer, but they forced you to, and then she broke up with you. The draft list, which has been prepared, includes questions about what General Hayden's father does for a living and then moves on to whether General Hayden ever had unprotected sex with another country.

Today's Headlines 5/5/06

* Vice President Dick Cheney issued a strong rebuke of Russia, saying, "F*cking Russia. They f*cking use f*cking oil as a political weapon. They withdraw from f*cking international environmental treaties. They f*cking hold prisoners without f*cking charging them or giving them access to attorneys. Went to f*cking war in Iraq based on obviously f*cking faulty intelligence. Have f*cking altered their f*cking tax code to benefit the rich. Lastly, the f*cking vice president of f*cking Russia shot a f*cking man in the f*cking face."

* The American people having rejected a $100 rebate from Congress to defray gasoline taxes, stated that they would accept an extension of the cut in capital gains taxes. When asked why the American people would accept an extension in the cut in capital gains, which would overwhelmingly benefit the richest taxpayers, a spokesman for the American people said, "We're not whores. The $100 rebate would be paying us for our vote and we won't accept that. But since the capital gains cut doesn't help the average American we can support that and still feel good about ourselves in the morning."

* Ehud Olmert, head of the Kadima party and Prime Minister of Israel, announced his coalition. In addition to Kadima, t he coalition will include the Secular Party, the Religious Party, the Anti-Secular and Anti-Religious Party, the Pro-Marijuana Party, the Drug Control Party, the Pensioners Party, the Anti-Pensioners Party, and Labor.

* The Justice Department has released the jury questionnaire from the Zacarias Moussaoui verdict.
Moussaoui is bat-sh*t insane (9 to 3 in favor)
Moussaoui is Osama Bin Laden (8 to 4 against)
Moussaoui is a teapot (6 to 6)
The Bush administration lied to the American people about its motives for the Iraq war (10 to 2 in favor)
Saddam Hussein is Osama Bin Laden (8 to 4 in favor)
The Bush administration will never catch Osama Bin Laden (10 to 2 in favor)
If Al Gore were president there would be protests on the White House lawn every day calling for impeachment for not capturing Bin Laden (10 to 2 in favor)
Moussaoui flew one of the planes into the World Trade Center (11 to 1 against)
Saddam Hussein flew one of the planes into the World Trade Center (7 to 5 in favor)
If a tree fell in the forest it would not make a sound (8 to 4 against)

* President Bush today announced a new list of laws that do not apply to him or his administration: laws against drunk driving, laws against perjury, environmental regulations, the requirement to have a hunting license, laws against shooting people in the face, and term limits.