Today's Headlines 9/29/03

* The White House announced today that Karl Rove will not be admitting that he ordered the leak that James Wilson's wife was a CIA agent--Justice Department issues statement that if Karl Rove isn't going to admit it, then there's no point in having an investigation

* Grey Davis has challenged Arnold Schwarzenegger to a weight-lifting contest for the governor's mansion--Schwarzenegger's poeple announce that he will no participate in such an even since he knows he can lift more than davis so there's really no point

* Details on $87 billion for Iraqi reconstruction released--$100 million for new undisclosed location for Dick Cheney--$50 million to destroy CIA memoranda regarding the falsity of Uranium cake allegation--$27 million for tea cozies--$1 .2 billion for postage stamps--$5 to switch to new long distance carrier--$15 million to pay Ken Lay's attorney's fees--$2 million to repay Darryl Issa for funding the California recall

* First lady Laura Bush to become Jacques Chirac's mistress--President bush responds by putting all of France on his "Do Not Call" list

Today's Headlines 9/25/03

* Soldiers Arrested at Guantanamo Bay for Suspected Homosexuality--Donald Rumsfeld Announces the "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" was impetus for end to "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy--Rumsfeld states, "The army has always worn green. We can't have our soldiers marching into battle with pink blazers and ascots."--Carson Kressley of "Queer Eye" announced that there was no plan to eliminate green from army coutoure, merely that uniforms would have "jujing"

* Wesley Clark Announces that he would have voted both for and against the American revolution--denies that his position is waffling--"I've never waffled in my life," Clark said--aides later announced that Clark had waffled twice in his youth, but he didn't enjoy it--Lieberman states that this shows conclusively that Clark is the anti-Christ; denies that this is a backtrack from his previous statement that Howard Dean is the anti-Christ

* Bush administration announces plan to capture Osama Bin Laden in October 2004--"Of course we have no plans on affecting the 2004 election, it's just a coincidence," stated Karl Rove. "October is just a good month to capture Bin Laden because he's an autumn."--This October was ruled out by the Eleventh Circuit because of antiquated punch card capturing machines used in Pakistan.

* European Union to contribute 900 pounds of jam to Iraqi Governing Counsel--Bush administration calls this an effort to undermine US legitimacy in Iraq--Haliburton jam production profits fall by 2%

* Telemarketing Companies announce plan to call everyone on the national "Do Not Call List" to make sure they really want off the list

* During Debate Arnold Schwarzenegger hits Arianna Huffington--"I was aiming for Tom McClintock. I would never hit a woman on national TV." said Schwarzenegger.

* Paul Bremer dismisses claim that US did not have a plan for the Iraqi occupation--"The administration clearly had a plan. It just didn't go very well," said Bremer.

* Kobe Bryant suspected in North Carolina middle school shooting

* UN announces that it will cut staff in Iraq by 125%--move in response to uranium found in Iran--"Iran has missile capability than can reach Iraq in eight minutes, so we're outta there," said one UN official.

* Nigerian woman's sentence for adultery reduced from stoning to pillorying.

* Jessica Lynch to wed Matthew Scott, teen who escaped Columbian rebels.

* Zacarias Moussaoui' moves for dismissal on the grounds that the US has not found WMD in Iraq

Today's Headlines 9/18/03

* In an attempt to turn American Jews against the plan to expel him, Yasser Arafat announced today that if Israel removes him he will retire to Florida

* The White House disclosed today that Dick Cheney's undisclosed location is the eye of Hurricane Isabel

* George Bush announced today that he will be seeking the democratic nomination for president

* Washington, DC closed today because a four year old boy left his family's water hose running in West Virginia

* The National Hurricane Center announced that Hurricanes are inexplicably attracted to the lights on cameras and warned all reporters not to film themselves in North Carolina

* Hurricane Isabel announced a one million dollar book deal for its life story--a tale of a wind that dreamed the dream of becoming a hurricane

* Israel agrees to trade Dick Grasso for Yasser Arafat--NY Stock Exchange announces that Michael Milikin to replace Grasso--Palestinian Authority announces former Liberian President Charles Taylor to replace Arafat

* The Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals announced that the recall election will not take place at all and Gray Davis will be declared Governor for Life

* Geraldo Rivera was indicted for treason for notifying Hurricane Isabel of the location of North Carolina

* AOL Time Warner announces name change to "We promise to think things through before our next merger"

Today's Headlines 9/17/03

* White House releases tape from Saddam Hussein endorsing Dennis Kucinich

* President Bush announces he will give in to gunman at Tennessee college's demand for reducing income taxes on capital gains

* NYSE Board votes to punish Dick Grasso by giving him $500 million

* Seattle votes $35 tax on tea and crumpets

* Bush announces that Clear Skies initiative (you know the one that allows power plants to produce more pollution) will turn daisies into golden figs

* General Tso announces bid for governor of California--Arnold Schwarzenegger worried about splitting the MSG vote tells Tso to drop out of the race or he will go back in time and kill his mother

* General Wesley Clark (Ret.) announces that he is the only viable democrat who can defeat Bush unless he loses the nomination, in which case he'd love to be the Vice President under any of the other candidates

* Joe Lieberman announces that Howard Dean can't be president because his wife is Jewish and the country isn't ready for a president married to a Jew

*John Edwards announces that he is the reason that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez broke up--at press conference reports ask, "Um, who are you were we expecting the guy who talks to dead people."

* Hurricane Isabel downgraded by National Hurricane Center from Horrific Global Catastrophe to Light Mist

* Correction: In yesterday's News we reported that six Americans are being held at a prison in Iraq. In fact it is one American that has been cut into six pieces.