Today's Headlines 11/22/04

* House Republicans acted today to change the rules so that a party leader could continue to remain in his post if indicted, imprisoned, or defeated in an election.

* K-mart and Sears announced that the combined company will be called Bankruptcy Mart or B-Mart. The company will concentrate its effort on the ever growing population in this country that has gone bankrupt. New product lines will include socks with holes in them, shoes without soles, and slicks with a kerchief to carry around one's entire belongings.

* European officials have decided to discount statements by Iranian ex-patriots who have stated that Iran still is developing a nuclear weapons program. A spokesman for the European Union stated that the United States had trusted statements by Iraqi ex-patriots that hussein had a nuclear weapons program and that The European Union was not going to fall for that trick.

Today's Headlines 11/21/04

* American forces were able to rout the insurgent force in Falluja by pulverizing the city and leaving it in rubble. The insurgency having given up and left Falluja consisted at that point of an 89 year old woman with a pair of knitting needles and a four year old boy with a straw and a stockpile of 15 spit-balls. When asked why the American troops used such force and attacked after the insurgency had given up the City, a spokesman for the army noted that it was only safe to attack Falluja after John Kerry had been defeated and that his campaign had been feeing information to the 89 year old woman. In a related story the Bush administration announced that the call up of retired soldiers and reservists was not in fact a draft and that it was totally different and anyone who thought that calling back inactive reservists and retired soldiers to fight in Iraq was a draft is clearly a supporter of al Queda and would be sent immediately to Gauntanamo Bay.

* In order to combat counterfeiting and fraud, the FDA has approved placing tiny antennas on medicine bottles. Medicare patients will be required to purchase scanners that read the antennas at a cost of $5,000 in order to be reimbursed for medications.

* Senate Republicans were considering stoning Arlen Specter (R, PA) for making a statement after the election that it was possible that President Bush was not chosen by Jesus Christ to appoint a Supreme Court to overturn Roe v. Wade. Specter, who is Jewish, made the comment after being injected with enough Sodium Pentathol to kill an elephant by a reporter for the New York Times.

* The FDA announced today that it was changing the label on abortion bill RU-486, also known as mifepristone. The new label will read as follows: "If you take this pill you will be killing your baby, a human life. You will never be able to enter the gates of heaven and Jesus will hate you for all eternity. You will regret the decision for the rest of your life, never having another sleepful night. When you die, you will burn in the fires of hell for all eternity. May also cause headaches."

* Iran and the European Union have reached a tentative agreement regarding Iran's development of nuclear weapons. The European Union agreed to supply Iran with enriched uranium for the purposes of providing Iran with nuclear power in exchange for Iran's promise to only launch nuclear weapons at Israel.

Today's Headlines 11/10/04

* Israel announced today that Yasser Arafat will be allowed to be buried in the Palestinian State. The new Palestinian state will consist of a six feet deep two feet wide and seven feet parcel of land in the Gaza Strip. Once the Palestinian state is created all three million Palestinians will be relocated there. Israel announced that it was not going to try and use Arafat's burial as a negotiating ploy and plans to allow Arafat to be buried on the Mount of Olives in Exchange for Palestinians giving up claim to the right of return and sovereignty over East Jerusalem were not taken seriously.

* President Bush announced today that he would seek a second term in 2008. Press Secretary Scott McClellan announced that since Bush was not elected in 2000, that he was eligible for a third term under the 22nd Amendment.

* President Bush announced several changes to his cabinet. David Duke will replace John Ashcroft as Attorney General; Jesus Christ will replace John Snow as Education Secretary; the position of Treasury Secretary is being eliminated as part of the simplification of the tax code.

* Jurors in the Scott Peterson case today announced that they would find Peterson not guilty for a sum of $2.5 million.

* The Democratic party announced that as part of its shift to the center that it would push for a constitutional Amendment stripping homosexuals of the right to vote.