Today's Headlines 4/30/06

* Insurance companies have developed insurance policies to protect consumers from rising gas prices. Under the plan consumers will pay the insurance companies premiums based on the gas mileage of their vehicles. Then if gas prices rise the consumer will be required to purchase gas at gas stations in the insurance company plan. The gas stations will charge 20% to 35% more than non-covered gas stations. The consumer will then submit claims to the insurance companies, which will then be denied for lack of coverage.

* House and Senate Republicans today ironed out a compromise on immigration reform. Under the compromise illegal immigrants who have been in the country for more than five years will be eligible for citizenship if they meet the following criteria: they are not homosexual, they agree to vote Republican for the next 50 years, they agree to donate 10% of their after-tax income to The Heritage Foundation, they provide Rush Limbaugh with a bottle of Oxycontin, they fly to Vegas with Bill Bennett for the weekend, they allow their emails to be read by the NSA, and attend a townhall meeting in support of Social Security privatization.

* President Bush signed an executive order today which categorizes as classified all information about the federal government unless it is leaked by Karl Rove. Journalists who report on classified information will be sent to Guantanamo Bay for reeducation.

* According to Wikipedia, Hillary Rodham Clinton is half-black, a lesbian, voted to require an abortion clinic be built next to your house, burns an American flag every day, smokes marijuana every night before bed, voted to increase taxes 83,421 times during her five and a half years in the Senate, murdered Vince Foster because he found out that she shredded the Whitewater files, is an anti-Semite, and voted for the Iraq War. According to Wikipedia, John McCain fathered a child with his illegitimate half-black daughter, was a Vietnamese double agent during the Vietnam War, died of cancer in 2004 due to his own defunding of all federal cancer research, is 4'3" tall, is an anti-Semite, and voted for the Iraq War.

* Review of "Flight 93" by Rudy Giuliani, guest reviewer: When I saw the movie "Flight 93", I turned to Bernie Kerrick and said, "Thank God George W. Bush directed this movie." If Al Gore had directed this movie we would never have seen the heroic actions of the passengers, who, in the name of Freedom and the Republican party attacked the Iraqi hijackers of the flight and saved the capitol. If Al Gore had directed this movie, the passengers would have discussed the "feelings" of the hijackers and considered the hijackers "cultural sensitivity" and determined that it was culturally appropriate for Iraqis under the direction of Saddam Hussein to fly an airplane into White House. If Al Gore had directed this movie federal regulations would have prevented the heroes of Flight 93 from calling their families on their cellphones. If Al Gore had directed this movie, the government would have listened to Richard Clark and responded to the threat of al Queda preventing these heroes from their heroic deaths. So that's why I say to you today, see "Flight 93", the greatest film directed by the greatest director this country has known, George W. Bush.

* Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice told reporters today that the United States was going to do something about Iran. She would not say what the US would do, but she did say it would be something, in contrast to the current policy of doing nothing. Donald Rumsfeld has for weeks pressed for invading Iran with 200 marines and a basket of fruit. Rice stated that she could neither confirm nor deny whether the Rumsfeld plan had been implemented. A senior source in the administration did note that National Security Adviser Stephen Hadley was seen earlier today in a Georgetown shop buying a basket of fruit. When asked for comment, Hadley stated that it was an early Mother's Day present for his mom.

Today's Headlines 4/29/06

* Bush administration proposals for coping with the current high price of gasoline: Invade Iraq. Permanently eliminate inheritance taxes. Close and drill for oil in select polling places in Ohio, Pennsylvania, Florida, and Iowa. New tax breaks for people who drive limousines, Hummers, BMWs and Saabs. Hydrogen powered flying cars. Pardon Kenneth Lay. Privatize social security.

* King Gyanendra of Nepal agreed to a power sharing agreement with the protesters of Nepal. Under the agreement, a new monarch will be elected in 2015. There will only be one polling place, to be located in a locked room in the Nepal palace. One may only be placed on the ballot be either being a previous monarch or obtaining 3,150,000 signatures from registered voters. The polling machine will be supplied by the Diebold Corporation.

* The United Nations Security Counsel is debating a new resolution for Iran to ignore. Competing posts have been put forth by the United States, China, the European Union, and Israel. American proposal: Iran is to stop developing nuculer technology, even peaceful energy based technology and if Iran does or does not comply with this resolution the United States may invade or not. Chinese proposal: Iran may develop whatever technology it wants so long as it supplies oil to China. European proposal: Iran please do not develop nuclear weapons. If you do develop nuclear weapons we shall be very put out and may or may not condemn you for it. Israeli proposal: When Iran develops nuclear technology Israel shall bomb and destroy it because the rest of the world are too ferklemt to act.

* Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi of Italy announced that even though he had won reelection for prime minister he had agreed to step down in favor of Romano Prodi because he was tired of being made fun of in the Italian press for having the same name as one of the characters on the Sopranos.

* The prosecutor in the Duke lacrosse team rape case stated that the fact that the victim had previously accused three men of raping her would not hurt the case against the players because new evidence had surfaced that the Duke lacrosse team had kidnapped, raped and murdered Natalee Holloway in May 2005 in Aruba, had raped and smeared feces on Tawana Brawley in 1987 and put a pubic hair on Anita Hill's coke.

* House Republicans today passed a bill that would criminalize singing the National Anthem in Spanish. The penalty for singing the anthem in Spanish will be deportation to Mexico regardless of citizenship status. The Senate passed a companion bill that would require elementary schools to sing the National Anthem in both English and Spanish. When asked how the two bills would be reconciled in conference committee Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) and House Speaker Dennis Hastert (D-IL) stated that they fully anticipated the conference committee bill to privatize Social Security and eliminate estate taxes.

Today's Headlines 4/19/06

* Scott McClellan, White House Press Secretary resigned today. McClellan, stated that he had resigned to spend more time with his family, in particular his mother, who is running for the Governor of Texas. McClellan, also announced that he has been treated for third degree burns on the lower half of his body, related to his constantly burning pants. Josh Bolten, the new Chief of Staff announced that McClellan had to be replaced because the administration needed to put a new face on its failed policies. When asked why the administration wasn't changing the failed policies Bolton started laughing uncontrollably and ended the interview. The new press secretary will be a monkey, who will throw feces at the White House Press Corps every morning.

* Osama Bin Laden called today for the resignation of Donald Rumsfeld. Bin Laden stated has long been a strong supporter of Rumsfeld, due to Rumsfeld's incompetence at defending the United States. When asked why he was calling for the resignation now, Bin Laden stated that it wasn't that the calls for Rumsfeld's resignation was emboldening the enemy, but rather that his suicide bombers were finding it too hard to blow themselves up since they were continually laughing at Rumsfeld. Rumsfeld stated that he would not step down in the face of the request by Bin Laden., stating, "Just because President Bush and Vice President Cheney do what Bin Laden tells them to do, doesn't mean I'm going to listen to Bin Laden. I'm my own man." Rumsfeld went on to note that he still had the support of President Bush and Senator Hillary Clinton.

* Dick Cheney today called for the resignation of George W. Bush as president. When asked why he was calling for the president Cheney stated that that the president had refused to pardon I Lewis (Scooter) Libby and that Libby needed to be pardoned or that Cheney himself would go to jail. When asked what he would do as president Cheney stated that in addition to pardoning Libby, he planned on invading Iran with 40,000 troops, dropping nuclear weapons on France, and shooting Saddam Hussein in the face.

* Michael Chertoff announced that FEMA would begin evacuating and rebuilding San Francisco in response to the great earthquake of 1906. "We have totally cocked up the evacuation and rebuilding of New Orleans and have decided to revisit other natural disasters, San Francisco met the criteria the Department of Homeland Security and FEMA had set forth, namely that the city already be rebuilt and that the city be mostly white."

* In response to Iran's announcement that it had enriched uranium as part of its nuclear program, the Bush administration will evacuate and reinvade Iraq. The White House Press Secretary, feces throwing monkey, delivered the announcement by throwing a particularly large hunk of poop at Helen Thomas.

* Zacarias Moussaoui took the stand today in his own defense today in the death penalty phase of his trial arguing that he should be put to death, saying, "I am a teapot, death to america, teapots are very orange. Glue is nurple. If I didn't, death to america, attack the US then I am not really a, death to america, terrorist and if incompetence doesn't bar you from being the Secretary of Defense then it shouldn't bar you from being a terrorist, death to america."

Today's Headlines 04/17/06

* Kevin Ray Underwood has signed a deal with Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia to edit a cookbook. When asked why she was entering into a contract with an attempted cannibal and murderer, Stewart said that she had already entered into a very lucrative marketing deal with Kmart and that Underwood wasn't nearly as tacky. She added, "Underwood's literary ability has already been proven in his very popular blog, which people wouldn't read if he weren't so excellent a writer." Stewart, who was jailed for five months for obstruction of justice, also said that being incarcerated should not be held against Mr. Underwood. The cookbook, to be title "Pizza and a Ten Year Old" is expected to be published next fall.

* Iran's Ambassador to the U.N., Javad Zarif, stated before the Security Counsel that the West's condemnation of Iran for it's "peaceful nuclear program" was hypocritical in light of Israel's nuclear weapons program. Israel's U.N. Ambassador, Dan Gillerman, responded that first, Israel did not have a nuclear weapons program; second, that if Israel did, it was completely different because Israel has not stated that Iran should be wiped off the face of the earth; and third, Israel has never had a Prime Minister that was obviously insane. The last statement was of course a crack aimed at Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who is well known for his delusions that he is a teapot. Abassador Gillerman refused to respond when questioned about former Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu's get out the vote efforts in the Gaza strip.

* A North Carolina grand jury has issued two sealed indictments against I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby and Karl Rove for their raping of a 27 year old stripper at the Duke Lacrosse team house. Libby and Rove refused to comment on the indictments, which some posit will actually benefit President Bush's poll numbers among the pro-rape community.

* A court appointed psychiatrist has determined that Zacarias Moussaoui, the alleged "20th hijacker" believes that he is in fact Osama Bin Laden. The White House announced that having captured Bin Laden it had now won the war in Iraq. For May 1, 2003, the White House plans a special anniversary celebration for the first time the U.S. won the war in Iraq. The event will feature a larger air craft carrier, a larger sign saying "Mission Accomplished", and a tighter flight suit. The White House had planned on the president wearing a larger codpiece, but have thus far been unable to find one to purchase.

* The Pentagon has released a memo stating that Donald Rumsfeld is not the worst Defense Secretary in the history of the country. When asked who was in fact the worst Defense Secretary, the Pentagon spokesman stated that it was classified.

Today's Headlines 4/8/06

* Katherine Harris announced today that her campaign manager would be replaced by a six foot tall rabbit named Harvey, her campaign would soon have an influx of cash because she found a golden ticket, and that she had inherited the one ring from her father and would be traveling to Mordor to throw it in the fires of Mount Doom. She further stated that she would give hand jobs to anyone who would vote for her and blow jobs to anyone who donates $2000 to her campaign.

* The White House announced today that I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby would be pardoned if he promised to shut up. Libby stated that he would also want to be compensated for his book deal, which chronicles his illicit affair with Lynne Cheney. Libby calls press conference to leak memo titled: "Super Secret White House Memo Number 23." Bush announces pardon and $23 million grant to Libby.

* Tom Delay announced today that he would give up his seat in the House of Representatives if Jack Abramoff promised to delete all of Delay's emails to him.

* Hamas announced today that it would institute cuts in Medicare, Medicaid, and the provision of social services to the poor, due to budgetary constraints caused by the cessation of US aid to the Palestinian Authority. White House spokesman, Scott McClellan, stated that this was an example of the heartlessness of the Hamas government. Meanwhile President Bush announced a proposal to eliminate the capital gains tax and offset such monies by raising the mandatory retirement age of workers earning less that $1,500,000 annually to 95.

* Scott McClellan announced today that Iraq was 80 degrees and sunny and that the cherry blossoms were blooming in downtown Baghdad. When questioned by the press as to casualty reports, McClellan stated that the only thing that matters in Iraq is that Saddam Hussein was no longer in power and since everyone knew that he would only provide the press with weather reports.

* FEMA announced today that it would begin evacuating survivors of Hurricane Katrina to neighboring states. When asked why the evacuation was being planned seven months after the actual hurricane, FEMA spokesman stated that the evacuation was in no way timed to affect the outcome of the New Orleans mayoral election.

* Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi announced the Democratic platform for the 2006 election would be called "The Effective, but not Too Effective Plan to Govern the United States of America with Truth Justice and the American Way and Not Become Too Corrupt While we Bend Over and Take It Up the Ass from Karl Rove for America a Three Hundred and Eighty Seven Point Plan for More Effective Governance and Governing Government by Governesses."

* Justice Antonin Scalia today told reporters to "Fuck off and die." When asked what he meant by "Fuck off and die." Scalia stated that it was an Italian expression meaning to please leave him alone while he walks from his church to his car.