The Orthodox Jewish Sex Shop

Note: All dialogue is in the thickest most Jewy accents possible.

Shop Keeper: Good morning welcome to the Orthodox Sex shop. How can I hep you?
Patron 1: Well, you see, tonight my wife is going to the mikvah. So
it's a special night and I want to get her something special.
SK: What were you thinking?
P1: Well, I was thinking that a vibrating dreidel would be nice. Do you
have any of those?
SK: Do have any vibrating dreidel? I have a million of them. Plastic,
wood, big, small, American, Israel Hebrew, Yiddish.Every Moshe, Dovid
and Shmendrik gets his wife a vibrating dreidel when she comes back
from the mikvah. I thought you said you wanted something special.
P1: Well, my wife,she likes the vibrating dreidel. don't know whatto tell you.
SK: Look. I'm not saying the vibrating dreidel isn't a nice product.
It's excellent. That's why I stock so many. I get ones made in
Jerusalem just a few blocks from the old City. They work like a neis, a miracle,
performed by Moshe Rabbeinu. If you put a vibrating dreidel near your
wife's clitoris when you have sex after she comes back from the
mikvah, she's guaranteed to come so loud that she'd rival the horns
that Joshua blasted when he brought down the walls of Jericho. The
vibrating dreidel is a high quality product. It wouldn't be in my
store if it wasn't. You think I'm some kind of ganef that would sell
crap vibrating dreidles? I'm just saying. It's a common itm and you
said you wantd something special.
P1: What would you recommend?
SK: Have I got something for you. Very special. A new item. You'll be
the first couple in Borough Park to have this. It's a leather harness
for your wife. It's got Mogen Davids on the front and passages from
tehillim (Psalms) on the back so you con recite them when you come
while riding her doggie style and make a nice Yididishe baby.
P1: Well, I don't know. Leather makes my wife chafe when she comes back
from the mikvah.
Sk: What's with the bailidikn. You think I would sell some kind of
shlock? What kind of soycher do you think I am? Get out of my store
you no-goodnik. Didn't your bubbe teach you any manners.

[Patron 1 leaves. and the Phone rings.]

SK: Hello. Moshe. How's by you? Not so bad. My sciatica isn't so bad
today. The shul has been sayng tehillim and I took a Vicodin. I know
what you're calling about Moshe. And it's in. Yes. The shipment of
Queen Esther Blow up dolls camein this morning. They look fantastish.
What a nice Yiddishe punnim. And the asshole is like butter. But
Moshe. You really should find a nice Jewish girl and settle down.
What's a nice bachur like you doing using the Queen Esther blow up
doll? You should be making beautiful Jewish babies. My wife is still a
shadchan. I'm sure she could find the beshert maydle for you. But
until then, the Queen Esther blow up doll is $175 plus tax and you can
pick it up whenever you like. Good day Moshe.

SK: Good morning welcome to the Orthodox Sex shop. How can I hep you?
Patron 2: I have a problem and I was wondering if you could help me.
SK: Of course. I consider what I do to be not only a business, but
also Hashem's work. Believe me. I've heard it all. What can I do for
you?
P2: Well, you see, My wife and I we like to do it in the ass. We've
been using a regular lube. And we were thinking about trying a little
ass-to-mouth action. But got forbid the lube might have some chazir.
So I was hoping you have some kosher lube.
SK: Well, doing it in the ass is not something usually condone. I
consider myself god's emissary on earth helping Orthodox couples
explore their full sexual potential making shayne Yiddishe kindele. Of
course, if you come in your wife's ass or her mouth , you're not
making Jewish babies. But, hold your horses. No need to hurry out. I
do carry a brand f kosher lubricant, which is made specifically for
couples where the woman can't get so wet and then the husband lkes to
have her suck on his cock during the act. This product is kosher.
Parve. So you don't have to worry about using it after milchigs or
fleishigs. It has a nice sweet taste like a piece cake. This I will
sell to you. Or you can in a pinch, use some shmaltz. But I cannot urge
you too strongly, that when you come, you should come in your wife's
pussy and make a nice Yiddishe baby.
P2: Thank you.

SK: Good morning welcome to the Orthodox Sex shop. How can I hep you?
Patron 3: My wife and I, we like things a little kinky and we wanted
to try something new. Iwas wondering if you had a forleyg for us in
our sexual endeavors.
SK: What do you like? Pain? Leather? Latex? Role play?
P3: My wife likes a bissel pain to turn her on.
SK: Well, if you want a bissel pain. I have a product, very popular in
Flatbush. It's a menorah designed to hold the candles firmly in place
Then you can drip the wax on your wife's nipples. This will hopfully
be very enjoyable for yor wife. A bissel pain, not tsu fil. This is a
high quality product. Made from sterling silver. Hand crafted by
widows in Eretz Yisroel. In fact some people like it so much becase it
holds the candles in lace that they end up using it as their regular
menorah for Chanukah too.
P3: Well, that sounds like a vunderlekh product. But don't think it's
for us. You see. My wife is very fastidious and I am afraid that the
wax will make a mess.
SK: Oh. I understand completely. Then I have another suggestion. It's
something that I myself use. It was such a mitziyah for me. It's a
shaytle that has nipple clamps. So,when you ride your wife and pull
her hair, the shaytle won't come off, and you get the extra benefit of
the sensation on her nipples.
P3: That sounds mamash perfect. I'll take that.Thank you.
SK: You are quite welcome. I hope it turns your wife on and you make
lots of nice Yiddishe babies.

The Post Time Tribune Debate

Moderator: Welcome to the Post Time Tribune Debate. Tonight we have the remaining candidates on the Democratic side, Senator Hillary Clinton and Senator Barak Obama. We also have the republican nominee John McCain.

Mike Huckabee: Um. Excuse me. I am still running for president. I have over 200 delegates. I won two primaries since Super Tuesday, the Kansas caucus and the Louisiana primary. Senator Clinton hasn't won any.

Moderator: I'm sorry Governor Huckabee, but clearly you aren't viable.

Huckabee: I received only a 4% smaller share of votes in Wisconsin than Hillary Clinton. I received 41% of the republican vote in Virginia when Senator Clinton only received 37% of the democratic vote.

Moderator: I'm sorry senator Huckabee, but the fact that Hillary Clinton is no longer a viable candidate doesn't mean we also have to invite you to these debates.

Hillary Clinton: Hellllooo. I'm standing right here.

Moderator: [Continues.] The republican party and democratic party have different rules about viability. And the democratic party rules clearly state that the wife of a former president can be in all the debates regardless of how many primaries she loses and that she also has the right to threaten Superdelegates with death if they don't vote for her at the convention.

Huckabee: But they had me on Saturday Night Live and the Colbert Report and even Conan. Under the republican rules a candidate that appears on three late night talk shows in a month can appear in the debates.

Moderator: I apologize Governor Huckabee. You may participate. The first question goes to Senator Clinton. Senator Clinton, you've argued that you are the candidate of experience. What does that mean?

Clinton: Look. I'm not saying that Barack Obama is a useless idiot who doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground. I'm just saying that on day one we need a president who isn't a useless idiot and can tell her ass from a hole in the ground. And I have 35 years of experience while Senator Obama has been in the Senate for an hour and a half. In fact before Barack Obama even entered law school, I was working for the American people by sitting on the Board of Directors of Wal-Mart.

Moderator: But aren't you afraid that when Senator Obama wins the nomination...

Clinton: Don't you mean "if"?

Moderator: ... that John McCain can make those same arguments against Senator Obama and that all you are doing is causing damage unnecessarily to the ultimate democratic nominee?

Clinton: I have every intention of winning the nomination.

Moderator: Ok. Let's assume that you do win the nomination, can't Senator McCain make the same arguments about experience about you, since you've only been in the Senate for seven years, while John McCain has been in the Senate for twenty years, was in the House of Representatives for four years, and was in the US Navy for 23 years before that. Doesn't the argument about experience cut against you if you go up against Senator McCain?

Clinton: No it doesn't. Just because Senator McCain has more experience than I have, does not mean that he would be a better president than I would. The real issue is judgment.

Moderator: But if judgment is the issue, then isn't Senator Obama's opposition to the war relevant because he opposed the war in Iraq, which you now agree was a mistake?

Clinton: Isn't anyone else supposed to answer questions? It's not fair that I get all the questions.

Huckabee: I'd like a question.

Moderator: Senator Obama you have often spoken about hope and change. What do you mean? What sort of change would you effect in Washington that Senator Clinton could not?

Barack Obama: First I would like to say, "Yes we can." Hope is what inspires all Americans. Hope is the hope that change will come. Change is the change that people will once again hope. Americans long for hope. Because we haven't had hope. Hope is beautiful and wonderful. And it is my hope, to change America to bring back their hope that things will change and people can hope again. Yes we can.

Moderator: Senator Obama, what do you mean by "Yes we can."

Obama: Yes we can hope. Yes we can change. Yes we can hope for change. Yes we can change and have hope.

Moderator: Senator McCain you are 71 years old. If you are elected president, you will be older than Ronald Reagan was when he was sworn into office. How do you counter the argument that you are too old to be president?

John McCain: My mother is 92 and healthy. I could, therefore, be president for twenty years before I die.

Moderator: But didn't your father die when he was seventy? Couldn't you die any minute now?

McCain: Well, I'm alive aren't I. I give the American people straight talk. And if I die, I promise that the American people will be the first to know.

Moderator: Senator McCain you have stated that the American military will be in Iraq for 100 years. Are you insane?

McCain: When I say that the American military will be in Iraq, I mean like they are in South Korea, just sitting there doing nothing. No one getting hurt.

Moderator: But wouldn't such a long term troop presence in Iraq still create a huge drain on the military preventing the US from completing missions elsewhere?

McCain: We might as well keep the troops in Iraq because that way they won't have to come all the way back when we invade Iran in 2009. I am the only candidate who supported the surge. The surge worked. Therefore, I should be president.

Moderator: Well, that's all the time we have for this debate. Next week the candidates will debate who went negative first, whether Bill Clinton should shut up, and healthcare.

Huckabee: Don't I get to answer a question?

Moderator: Good night.

Note: Every fact in this debate is true to the best of the knowledge of the editors of The Post Times Tribune.