Today's Headlines 6/24/06
* The United States announced today that if the North Koreans conduct a missile test it would shoot down the missile. The North Korean missile is to be shot down by a paper airplane thrown by Rudy Giuliani's son. When asked what had happened to the $100 billion spent on a missile defense shield, Press Secretary Tony Snow stated that much of it had been eaten up by overhead, including a $12 billion retirement package for Dick Cheney, $3 billion given to Patrick Fitzgerald not to indict Karl Rove, $26 million for stamps, $150 million for Jack Abrahamoff, $45,000 for breast augmentation surgery for Katherine Harris and $28 billion to subvert the 2004 election in Ohio. As the paper airplane is to be thrown three minutes into the missile test Mayor Giuliani's son has been flown to Oregon to be prepared.
* The Senate today voted down a democratic proposal to withdraw US troops from Iraq. The text of the proposal was as follows: "At some point between the 2006 midterm election and Hillary Clinton's defeat in the 2008 general election, the United States should begin the process of considering deliberating the possibility of reducing United States troop presence in Iraq if the Iraqis want us to leave and if it is polling well and if the democrats don't retake the House and/or Senate in 2006."
* The Supreme Court has ruled that the Clean Water Act did not in fact empower the Environmental Protection Agency and the Army Corps of Engineers to enact regulations to ensure that water is in fact clean. The 5-4 opinion holds that water is defined scientifically as H2O. Therefore, the only water that the EPA and Army Corps of Engineers may in fact regulate is pure water that contains no foreign substances. As pure H2O only exists in scientific laboratories and not in navigable bodies, the government has no authority to regulate it.
* FEMA announced that it plans to evacuate New Orleans in order to prevent widespread suffering that may be caused by the coming Katrina. When asked why FEMA was evacuating New Orleans now, nine months after the hurricane actually made landfall in New Orleans, R. David Paulison, Director of FEMA and former file clerk in the Department of Homeland Security, stated that New Orleans was being evacuated now for the sake of the mid-term elections.
* House Republicans have proposed a major overhaul to the Voting Rights Act. Under the proposed revisions, instead of applying to states that have a history of racist policies, the Act will apply to states that went to John Kerry in 2004, including states that would have gone to Kerry had Diebold machines not been used. Under the Act, to be renamed The Permanent Majority Act, voting machines will now be distributed on the basis of income rather than population, anyone who has ever been arrested for any crime (other than embezzlement, stock fraud, insider trading, or taking money from Jack Abrahamoff) will lose their right to vote unless they pay a $2,000.00 fine payable to the RNC and Katherine Harris will oversee all disputed elections.
* Under a secret Bush administration program initiated weeks after the Sept. 11 attacks, counterterrorism officials have gained access to our phone records, our bank records, our video store rentals, our Amazon book purchases, our medical records, our high school year book pictures, and knows how each and every American lost his or her virginity.
* The Senate today voted down a democratic proposal to withdraw US troops from Iraq. The text of the proposal was as follows: "At some point between the 2006 midterm election and Hillary Clinton's defeat in the 2008 general election, the United States should begin the process of considering deliberating the possibility of reducing United States troop presence in Iraq if the Iraqis want us to leave and if it is polling well and if the democrats don't retake the House and/or Senate in 2006."
* The Supreme Court has ruled that the Clean Water Act did not in fact empower the Environmental Protection Agency and the Army Corps of Engineers to enact regulations to ensure that water is in fact clean. The 5-4 opinion holds that water is defined scientifically as H2O. Therefore, the only water that the EPA and Army Corps of Engineers may in fact regulate is pure water that contains no foreign substances. As pure H2O only exists in scientific laboratories and not in navigable bodies, the government has no authority to regulate it.
* FEMA announced that it plans to evacuate New Orleans in order to prevent widespread suffering that may be caused by the coming Katrina. When asked why FEMA was evacuating New Orleans now, nine months after the hurricane actually made landfall in New Orleans, R. David Paulison, Director of FEMA and former file clerk in the Department of Homeland Security, stated that New Orleans was being evacuated now for the sake of the mid-term elections.
* House Republicans have proposed a major overhaul to the Voting Rights Act. Under the proposed revisions, instead of applying to states that have a history of racist policies, the Act will apply to states that went to John Kerry in 2004, including states that would have gone to Kerry had Diebold machines not been used. Under the Act, to be renamed The Permanent Majority Act, voting machines will now be distributed on the basis of income rather than population, anyone who has ever been arrested for any crime (other than embezzlement, stock fraud, insider trading, or taking money from Jack Abrahamoff) will lose their right to vote unless they pay a $2,000.00 fine payable to the RNC and Katherine Harris will oversee all disputed elections.
* Under a secret Bush administration program initiated weeks after the Sept. 11 attacks, counterterrorism officials have gained access to our phone records, our bank records, our video store rentals, our Amazon book purchases, our medical records, our high school year book pictures, and knows how each and every American lost his or her virginity.
posted by posttimestribune at 9:12 AM
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