Today's Headlines 9/25/03
* Soldiers Arrested at Guantanamo Bay for Suspected Homosexuality--Donald Rumsfeld Announces the "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" was impetus for end to "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy--Rumsfeld states, "The army has always worn green. We can't have our soldiers marching into battle with pink blazers and ascots."--Carson Kressley of "Queer Eye" announced that there was no plan to eliminate green from army coutoure, merely that uniforms would have "jujing"
* Wesley Clark Announces that he would have voted both for and against the American revolution--denies that his position is waffling--"I've never waffled in my life," Clark said--aides later announced that Clark had waffled twice in his youth, but he didn't enjoy it--Lieberman states that this shows conclusively that Clark is the anti-Christ; denies that this is a backtrack from his previous statement that Howard Dean is the anti-Christ
* Bush administration announces plan to capture Osama Bin Laden in October 2004--"Of course we have no plans on affecting the 2004 election, it's just a coincidence," stated Karl Rove. "October is just a good month to capture Bin Laden because he's an autumn."--This October was ruled out by the Eleventh Circuit because of antiquated punch card capturing machines used in Pakistan.
* European Union to contribute 900 pounds of jam to Iraqi Governing Counsel--Bush administration calls this an effort to undermine US legitimacy in Iraq--Haliburton jam production profits fall by 2%
* Telemarketing Companies announce plan to call everyone on the national "Do Not Call List" to make sure they really want off the list
* During Debate Arnold Schwarzenegger hits Arianna Huffington--"I was aiming for Tom McClintock. I would never hit a woman on national TV." said Schwarzenegger.
* Paul Bremer dismisses claim that US did not have a plan for the Iraqi occupation--"The administration clearly had a plan. It just didn't go very well," said Bremer.
* Kobe Bryant suspected in North Carolina middle school shooting
* UN announces that it will cut staff in Iraq by 125%--move in response to uranium found in Iran--"Iran has missile capability than can reach Iraq in eight minutes, so we're outta there," said one UN official.
* Nigerian woman's sentence for adultery reduced from stoning to pillorying.
* Jessica Lynch to wed Matthew Scott, teen who escaped Columbian rebels.
* Zacarias Moussaoui' moves for dismissal on the grounds that the US has not found WMD in Iraq
* Wesley Clark Announces that he would have voted both for and against the American revolution--denies that his position is waffling--"I've never waffled in my life," Clark said--aides later announced that Clark had waffled twice in his youth, but he didn't enjoy it--Lieberman states that this shows conclusively that Clark is the anti-Christ; denies that this is a backtrack from his previous statement that Howard Dean is the anti-Christ
* Bush administration announces plan to capture Osama Bin Laden in October 2004--"Of course we have no plans on affecting the 2004 election, it's just a coincidence," stated Karl Rove. "October is just a good month to capture Bin Laden because he's an autumn."--This October was ruled out by the Eleventh Circuit because of antiquated punch card capturing machines used in Pakistan.
* European Union to contribute 900 pounds of jam to Iraqi Governing Counsel--Bush administration calls this an effort to undermine US legitimacy in Iraq--Haliburton jam production profits fall by 2%
* Telemarketing Companies announce plan to call everyone on the national "Do Not Call List" to make sure they really want off the list
* During Debate Arnold Schwarzenegger hits Arianna Huffington--"I was aiming for Tom McClintock. I would never hit a woman on national TV." said Schwarzenegger.
* Paul Bremer dismisses claim that US did not have a plan for the Iraqi occupation--"The administration clearly had a plan. It just didn't go very well," said Bremer.
* Kobe Bryant suspected in North Carolina middle school shooting
* UN announces that it will cut staff in Iraq by 125%--move in response to uranium found in Iran--"Iran has missile capability than can reach Iraq in eight minutes, so we're outta there," said one UN official.
* Nigerian woman's sentence for adultery reduced from stoning to pillorying.
* Jessica Lynch to wed Matthew Scott, teen who escaped Columbian rebels.
* Zacarias Moussaoui' moves for dismissal on the grounds that the US has not found WMD in Iraq
posted by posttimestribune at 6:22 PM
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