Today's Headlines 8/25/04

* Condoleezza Rice said today that Iran would not be allowed to develop nuclear weapons. When asked what the United States was going to do if Iran developed nuclear weapons, Rice answered that the United States would in that situation invade Iraq. When it was pointed out that the United States had already invaded Iraq, and that therefore, the threat to invade that nation would not pose much of a threat, Rice stated, "Um. I don't know Syria maybe? Or Jordan. Maybe Lebanon."

* Jesus Christ today announced that he was endorsing george W. Bush for President and Richard Cheney for Vice President. Christ's endorsement, which will likely be a boon to the Bush administration, was announced today by the Bush press secretary, Scott McClellan. "The endorsement of Christ was delivered to Bush himself, no one else being close enough to Christ to receive information about the endorsement. Bush was with Presidential advisor Karl Rove when he received the endorsement. "You were just endorsed by Jesus Christ," said Rove. "Cool," said Bush, adding, "He helped me cure my addiction to coke and booze. He's a nice fella."

* Correction: In yesterday's paper we noted that the Republican party had chosen Alan Keyes of Maryland to oppose Barack Obama in the Illinois Senatorial race because there was not a black Republican in the state. As it turns out Keyes was chosen because the Republican party could not find a Republican candidate within Illinois who had not been sex sex clubs with his ex-wife.

* The Bush administration announced that the creation of only 32,000 jobs in the month of July showed that the country had definitely "turned the corner" and that the recovery was now accomplished. "If the recovery was ongoing then more jobs would be created and if the recovery is over then then the country must have recovered," stated Elaine Chao, Secretary of Labor. When asked about the unemployment figures Chao stated that any unemployment "is attributable to Bill Clinton and John Kerry is a flip-flopper."