Today's Headlines 6/23/04

* Bush administration announces that it set the tone for humane treatment of prisoners of war. A White House spokesman said, "A lot of people wanted to poke the prisoners with sharp sticks. Others wanted to ask them questions about international terrorist cells. Still more wanted to put them to bed with out any broth or any bread. But we decided that would be inhumane. Then someone, I think it was Don Rumsfeld came up with the idea of sodomizing them and parading them around naked in a humane way. You don't want to know what John Ashcroft wanted to do to them."

* The Bush administration announced today that it had replaced an electronic card, which people would now eat instead of food they used to buy with food stamps.

* Bush administration announces that it will replace outgoing CIA Director with disgraced, resigning Connecticut Governor John Rowland. "He's polling very well, except for Connecticut and we're not going to win there anyway." said an administration spokesperson. "A CIA Director needs to be sneaky and Rowland got away with graft and corruption for 9 and a half years and that's five more ears than we really need."

* Wolfowitz testifies that the administration misjudged the capacity of Americans to believe the war in Iraq was part of the war on terror. "The administration clearly blundered. We expected the public to believe the story until mid 2005, but that was clearly an error of judgment."

* Bush administration announces that first private space flight conclusively proves the link between Iraq and al Queda, hindered the search for weapons of mass destruction, and is responsible for former president Clinton's record book sales.