Today's Headlines 10/7/06 and a Song

* The Bush administration announced prospective sanctions on North Korea should North Korea conduct a nuclear test. The sanctions include reducing American trade. Although the US at present has no trade with North Korea, under the sanctions marines would parachute into North Korea and take back 10% of items previously sent to North Korea in the 1940s. Additionally, North Korea would no longer be considered part of the Axis of Evil and would by itself become the Point of Very Evil. Lastly, the Daily Show would stop referring to North Korean President Kim Jong Il as "bat shit insane" and would begin to refer to him as a "total fucking lunatic."

* In a visit to Iraq, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice stated that Iraq was making progress. When asked what progress Iraq was making she stated that Saddam Hussein was no longer in power and that was really all the progress they needed. She also stated that no one seems to be looting the museums anymore. Lastly she said that had the United States never invaded Iraq that she never would have met Peter MacKay, Canada's foreign minister and that he had recently progressed from first base to second base with her.

* House Republicans promised a thorough investigation into the Mark Foley scandal. The investigation has been referred to the House Ethics Committee. Speaker of the House promised that the investigation was not going to be a whitewash and that the Committee was fully empowered to demand Representative Foley's resignation should they conclude that he was in fact gay.

* President Bush denied that he had met with Russian Vladimir Putin to discuss strategies for having reporters murdered. White House Press Secretary stated, "There was no meeting between President Bush and President Putin and if such a meeting occurred they certainly did not discuss the strategies used by President Putin to murder Russian reporter Anna Politkovskaya and how such strategies could be implemented to have Bob Woodward killed. These suggestions are pure fantasy." Snow refused to answer questions about why Karl Rove has been seen following around Bob Woodward for the past three days.

* Don't Send IMs to me (to the tune of "Don't Stand So Close to Me")

Mark Foley, in Congress
No teenage fantasy
A homo. In closet
Congressmen have to be

It's roll call, so horny
A congressional page
He voting, it's close now
The boy's one-third his age

Don't send, don't send those
Don't send IMs to me
Don't send, don't send those
Don't send IMs to me

John Boehner, he finds out
Mark starts to cry and cry
Whispers in the Congress
Beware of creepy guy

Then Boehner tell Dennis
He starts to laugh and scoff
Mark says, "I didn't do it."
Dennis says, "That's enough."

Don't send, don't send those
Don't send IMs to me
Don't send, don't send those
Don't send IMs to me

The IMs, they get out
Oh how reporters are
Mark Foley, he resigns
Then heads out to a bar

The midterms, polls plummet
Dems want Hastert's head
The news is all Foley
Forget Iraqi dead

Don't send, don't send those
Don't send IMs to me
Don't send, don't send those
Don't send IMs to me

Today's Headlines 10/3/06

* President Bush announced today that the reason he invaded Iraq and lied to the American people was that he was molested by a priest when he was 13 years old. In an unrelated revelation, former head of FEMA Michael Brown and Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff announced that it was okay that they allowed New Orleans to be destroyed because they were molested by a priest and a rabbi when they were 13 years old. Vice President Cheney's attorney disclosed to the press that the reason he shot a man in the face was because he was molested by a minister when he was 13. Speculation has been brewing as to whether Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert was molested by a priest, which in turn prevented him from investigating certain allegation made against former Congressman Mark Foley.

* The House of Representatives passed the "Molested by a Priest Act of 2006." Under the Act any Congressman caught doing any wrongdoing would be absolved of responsibility if he confessed to being molested by a priest. The bill will now go into a conference committee where it must be reconciled the the Senate "Molested by a Clergyman Act of 2006," which was sponsored by Joe Lieberman, who recently announced the reason that the reason he voted for the Iraq War, kissed president Bush, and lost the 2004 Democratic nomination for president was that he was molested by a rabbi when he was 13.

* Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert called a press conference to denounce the partisan attacks on the Republican House leadership for attempting to cover up Congressman Mark Foley illicit relationship with numerous underage House pages. Hastert stated, "Clearly the Democrats are more interested in partisan attacks than protecting children. The question we should be asking is not why did the Republican House leadership cover up Congressman Foley's inappropriate contact. The question is why did this information come out so close to the election. If the Democrats really cared about the children, this would not have come out until November 8."

* Former President Bill Clinton beat to death Fox News' Chris Wallace. During an interview Wallace asked the former president why he helped al Queda attack the United States on 9/11. Wallace is remembered for his hard hitting questions asked to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, such as "Where is Pakistan?" and "How great do you feel for having removed the evil dictator Saddam Hussein from power?" It is unconfirmed, but sources close to President Clinton have suggested that he may reveal that he was molested by a priest prior to the interview.