Today's Headlines 7/31/04

* Post convention bounce. A new poll shows 95% of likely voters intend on voting for Kerry 3% for Nader and 2% for Bush. The poll, taken of people who look for sex using the Internet personals, had a sampling error of +/- 3%. before the convention a poll of NRA members attending a screening of Passion of the Christ showed Bush ahead by a significant margin. In that poll Bush led by 65% to 40% with negative 5% voting for Nader. That poll had a margin of error of +/- 5%. Kerry's campaign manager, Mary Beth Cahill, stated that the bounce was due to the positive message that John Kerry brought to the convention and that the bounce would have been more significant if those f**king balloons had dropped when they were supposed to. Bush advisor Karl Rove stated that he was not worried because by the time the election takes place next December or January Kerry would be dead and Edwards thoroughly discredited by false salacious blackmail. Moreover, the FBI announced that it would begin immediately arresting people who look for sex using the Internet personals.

* Hamid Karzai, president of Afghanistan, picked Mullah Omar as his running mate for the October presidential race. "Mullah Omar has experience running Afghanistan and brings balance to the ticket," a spokesman for Karzai said.

* The Department of Immigration has rewritten the history exam taken by immigrants who wish to become U.S. citizens. New questions include the following: "The greatest President in United States history was: a. George Jetson; b. Ronald Reagan; c. Fred Flintstone; d. William Henry Harrison ; e. John kerry is a liberal flip-flopper and if you vote for him you will be deported."; "Americans are guaranteed the right to: a. vote unless they are convicted felons or if they are black and their names sound like convicted felons; b. bear arms; c. donate $2000 to the president's reelection campaign; d. all of the above ; e. John kerry is a liberal flip-flopper and if you vote for him you will be deported."; "John Kerry was born in France and will increase your taxes and is a flip-flopper and a liberal: a. True; b. True"; "George W. Bush won the 2000 election because: a. he received more popular votes; b. he received more electoral votes; c. he was anointed and chosen by god to reduce taxes; d. all of the above; e. John kerry is a liberal flip-flopper and if you vote for him you will be deported."; "George Washington and Abraham Lincoln is they were alive today would: a. endorse George Bush for president; b. always vote republicans because Democrats are terrorists; c. donate $2000 to the Bush campaign; d. all of the above ; e. John kerry is a liberal flip-flopper and if you vote for him you will be deported."; The best way to ensure that you pass this test is to: a. donate $2000, the maximum limit, to the Bush campaign; b. kill your children so that John Kerry can drink their blood; c. flip-flop on all the answer the way John Kerry flip-flops on issues; d. none of the above; e. John kerry is a liberal flip-flopper and if you vote for him you will be deported."

* Palestinian leader Yasir Arafat and his prime minister, Ahmed Qurei, hugged, kissed and publicly declared their love for one another in a same-sex marriage ceremony held in Massachusetts. Neither Israel nor the Palestinian Authority recognize same-sex marriages.

* The United States and France signed a peace treaty today as four French citizens held at Guantanamo Bay were returned to France. The war in France, which led to a logistical and political quagmire, was declared over as the United State installed an interim government in Paris.

Today's Headlines 7/28/04

* Vice President Dick Cheney was declared mentally insane by a Federal District Court Judge in Washington, D.C. this morning. Cheney has repeatedly insisted that the United States and the world are safer because of the war in Iraq and that there were ties between Iraq and the September 11. Vice President Cheney's wife Lynne Cheney stated that all these months she thought that the statements were partisan rhetoric, but that this morning she realized that he was actually insane when he stated this morning that the tax cuts for the middle class, due to expire this year, should be extended.

* The Pentagon announced today that pop-star Michael Jackson would begin managing Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq. "Jackson was able to get confessions in a weekend, what it has taken two to three months of torture by the army," said a Pentagon spokesperson. Jackson initially refused to take the position, however, the Pentagon and Bush administration agreed to put pressure on California prosecutors to drop charges in Jackson's pending criminal child abuse trial. Part of the agreement to drop charges required Jackson to endorse both John Kerry and George Bush in different political ads that the Bush reelection committee will run in different states later this fall.

* Medicare will begin administering health exams to senior citizens when they turn 65. Senior citizens who are unhealthy or who vote democratic will be denied access to further healthcare under the proposal. "This will save the government money and save senior citizen's lives," said one White House staffer.

* At the Democratic Convention last night former presidential candidate and Vermont Governor Howard Dean accepted the nomination of the democratic party for president. Dean, who announced that he would go on to win after his defeat in Iowa, told the cheering crowd that he knew that he would bounce back. Dean announced his running mate would be Ralph Nader. Nader refused the nomination preferring to run a third party candidate for president and ensuring George Bush's victory in 2004, just as he had in 2000. "There is no difference between the republican and democratic parties," said Nader. "The fact that the republican party is trying to destroy the world and bankrupt this country is only a function of it being in power."

* An Egyptian diplomat was freed by his Iraqi captors after he lied to them and convinced them that he was in fact an Israeli.

Today's Headlines 7/27/04

* Vice President Dick Cheney released the following statement today: "Theresa Heinz Kerry's telling a reporter to shove it demonstrates that she is a f**king c**t cannot control her g*dd**n mouth. Such a d**chb*g with no f**cking control over what she says is not suited to be First Lady or part of a presidential administration.

* Al Gore announced at the Democratic Convention that he was demanding a full recount of every precinct in Florida. When asked why he did not demand such a recount earlier, Gore stated that he had not realized what a bad president Bush was going to be and that he never really wanted to be president and wanted to stay vice president forever.

* At the Democratic Convention former president Jimmy Carter pounded president Bush for going to war in Iraq for no reason, noting that he had "every reason t go to war with Iran, but did not ..., so why should the United States go to war without a reason?"

* Former president Bill Clinton surprisingly defended president Bush for lying to the American people about Iraq's nonexistent weapons of mass destruction and nonexistent ties with al Queda. "Sometimes a president needs to lie to the nation. Usually the president has very good reasons and these things should not come out."

* The White House announced today that it would adopt all the easy, cheap, noncontroversial and obvious recommendations made by the 9/11 Commission. When asked why the administration had not adopted these measures earlier, a White House spokesman stated that the administration was waiting for the Democratic Convention to begin and that further announcements would be made later this week.

* The Kerry camp has been reviewing all speeches and vetting them for anti-Bush language. For example all references to Bush's "lying to the American people about Iraq's weapons of mass destruction and ties to al Queda" would be replaced with "doing an outstanding job defending the country against terrorism." Furthermore, "destroying the environment" would be referred to as "protecting America's businesses and workers." Lastly, "presiding over one of the greatest job losses in American history" would be replaced by "the most pro-American administration since Herbert Hoover."

Today's Headlines 7/26/04

* Plot of New Star wars film announced. As everyone knows the previous Star Star Wars films involved how Senator Palpatine defeated Chancellor Valorum after a contentious recount on the Planet Tatooine, governed by Senator Palpatine's brother Jabba the Hutt. In the newest film Chancellor Palpatine, declares war on the planet Naboo after the Galactic Senate was attacked by the planet Trade Federation. After the war in Naboo goes poorly for the Chancellor, and facing the prospect of being a one-term chancellor and losing the election to Bail Organa, Palpatine connives with Count Dooku and the Trade Federation to attack the Galactic Senate, postponing the election and proclaiming himself emperor.

* Iraqi insurgents announced that they would cease fighting with and shooting at foreign soldiers, but would instead kidnap them one at a time until they had them all. "American soldiers are very hard to kill. Americans love life. But they are easy to capture; we just put out a pornographic magazine and a six pack of beer," said one insurgent on the condition of anonymity.

* Democrats announce themes for this week's convention: Monday: How John Kerry is not George Bush; Tuesday: How John Edwards is also not George Bush; Wednesday: How neither John Kerry nor John Edawrds is George Bush and how their vision isn't George Bush's vision, not one little bit; Thursday: Why the country needs a president named John, not George.

* Senator Rick Santorum stated that the fact that U.S. Prison Population has reached 6.9 million was further proof that homosexual marriages need to be outlawed. A spokesman for the Senator said, "These prisoners keep procreating and making more prisoners and it is breaking the back of the criminal justice system. Imagine how many prisoners there would be if they were legally allowed to marry. It is only the prospect of raising illegitimate children that prevents prisoners from having more babies together."

* Former democratic vice presidential candidates have formed a policy conference to offer John Edwards advice on sounding more vice presidential. Joe Lieberman has suggested that Edwards sound more Jewish and more republican. Geraldine Ferraro recommended that Edwards' wife be investigated for mob ties and that Edwards should work on not only not carrying his home state for the democratic ticket, but also his home district. Sargent Shriver recommended that one of Edwards' children marry a popular republican.

* The New York Times stunned the news world today by firing its entire staff except for one person whose entire duty would be to write a blog (web log) of items she thinks should be in the news.

Today's Headlines 7/25/04

* Congress announced that it would be holding special hearings to discuss the hearing held by the Sept. 11 Panel. "I would normally spend August campaigning, but my constituents won't vote for me if I hold these hearings," every member of Congress said on the condition of anonymity. Congress is expected to enact several recommendation by the Sept. 11 Panel, including the following: "The CIA should check its facts before recommending a war to the president." "Dick Cheney should not be allowed access to the CIA spell-checking/auto-word-correct program." "Terrorists should not be allowed on airplanes or trains." One controversial recommendation Congress is not expected to pass was "Terrorists should not be allowed to carry firearms."

* In a legal victory for the defense, a Colorado Judge ruled that Kobe Bryant will be allowed to introduce into evidence the fact that Bryant's accuser had sex with Scott Peterson and Gary Condit the morning of her encounter with Bryant.

* In an attempt to dispel rumors that he was hatched from an alien pod, John Kerry visited his alleged birthplace, Denver, Colorado. The photo-op, however, turned against Kerry when hospital records did not show a birth taking place on the correct date, but newspaper records did show that the world's largest bean pod was mysteriously missing from a nearby farm.

* Missing computer disks from Los Alamos Laboratory have been found in Former National Security Advisor, Sandy Berger's pants. How the disks got into Berger's pants has not been disclosed, however, Berger has never been to New Mexico where the laboratory is located. The Justice Department has issued a subpoena in hopes of finding Jimmy Hoffa's body in Mr. Berger's pants.

* In the closing hours of its legislative session, Congress has passed a law denying federal jurisdiction to any law passed by a Republican majority. "This is not about partisanship, this is about preventing activist judges from undoing unconstitutional legislation passed by a Congressional majority," said Dennis Hastert and Bill Frist in a joint statement.

* New poll suggests that people beginning to think John Kerry may not be a terrorist. The Kerry camp was pleased to announce today that new polling data suggests that his campaign has begun to turn back the negative advertising by the Bush administration which had portrayed Kerry as a terrorist.

Today's Headlines 7/23/04

* Congress, in an effort to protect G.I.s from unethical insurance practices will now begin issuing insurance policies to all soldiers. Soldiers will be able to choose from the following beneficiaries: the Republican National Committee, Jenna Bush, the George H.W. Bush Presidential Library, Dick Cheney, and the Kenneth Law Legal Defense Fund.

* The United Nations General Assembly passed a resolution blaming the Israeli Security fence for the War in Iraq, the terrorist resistance in Iraq, Saddam Hussein's WMD program, Hussein's lack of a WMD program, and global warming.

* Stephen Hawking today admitted that he was wrong about black holes and that every other physicist in the world was right about them. "Finally we know the truth about black holes," said one physicist, who had published several papers denouncing Hawking's inaccurate theories. "Hawking will surely get the Nobel Prize for this," said another physicist, whose work Hawking had said convinced him he was wrong. "Hawking's admission, in the face of overwhelming evidence, that he was wrong demonstrates his greatness as the 21st century's number one physicist," said a third.

* The Bush campaign closed its headquarters today when a kilo of cocaine mysteriously appeared in President Bush's desk. "How'd that coke get there?" asked the President, on condition of anonymity, continuing, "I mean that's not coke, it's um, anthrax. Someone call my Dad, no not my Dad. Don't call anyone it's nothing." The FBI investigation concluded that the bag of cocaine was left over from the Clinton presidency and issued indictments against former President Bill and Senator Hillary Clinton. Coincidentally, the Kerry campaign was also closed when a bag of white powder that turned out to be garlic powder prevented Senator Kerry from being able to enter the office. All garlic products along with pointy wooden objects have been banned from Senator Kerry's offices ever since his marriage to his second wife. The FBI during its investigation of the incident confiscated all of the hard drives at the Kerry campaign headquarters.

Op-Ed

by E Pluribus Unum
Guest Columnist

The Gay Divorcees

As Canada braces for the world's first gay divorce a little over a year after Canada's introduction of same-sex marriage, now is perhaps a good time to reflect on whether same-sex marriage has brought about the destruction of the world. The world still being here, leads one to the obvious conclusion that it has not. Perhaps the most ridiculous assertion, was made by the closeted gay Rick Santorum, which was that same-sex marriage would lead to an increase in (and he really said this folks) children being born out of wedlock. Perhaps Mr. Santorum needs a lesson in the proverbial birds and the bees. One of the advantages of gay sex is that they can never have child out of wedlock.

Same-sex marriage having not destroyed the heterosexual world, it seems that marriage has destroyed same-sex couples. The Canadian couple seeking divorce is a lesbian couple that had been together for ten years and then separated after five days of marriage (those are real numbers folks). Thus it become clear that marriage destroys relationships. Homosexuals shouldn't seek the right to marry, heterosexuals should seek the right not to in order to save our relationships.

July 21, 2004: Op-Ed Why Ralph Nader should be taken out and shot

* Dick Cheney stated today that he was changing his position on caps in medical malpractice cases now that he had learned that his former doctor was a huge coke addict and may or may not have left a scalpel, three clamps, a watch and a television remote control inside his chest during his last two heart surgeries.

* Op-Ed

By E Pluribus Unum
Guest Columnist

Why Ralph Nader should be taken out and shot.

There is a joke circulating around the Internet.
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Ralph."
"Ralph who?
"Ralph Nader is going to bring about the end of democracy in this country and I don't understand why the hell he would do that?"

What I find fascinating is that Ralph Nader has no supporters and yet he is polling at 6%. I exaggerate. Nader has lot of REPUBLICAN supporters who are spending gobs of money and working diligently to get him on the ballot. But no one is actually planning on voting for him.

Now we've all, or most of us, have gotten over the fact that there were significantly more Nader votes in New Hampshire and Florida than the Bush margin of win in either of those states. No one is saying that we need to build a time machine and prevent Nader from running in 2000. That would be a moderate waste of resources. The 2000 election is past. And even though if Nader hadn't run in 2000 Al Gore would have been President with no recounts or any of that nonsense. We're over it. All of us. It's the past. But who the hell is going to vote for Nader in 2004? I mean seriously? Who? Because every person I know that voted for Nader in 2000 is not voting for him in 2004. Not a one. Barbara Ehrenreich even wrote an Op-Ed in the ultra-ultra-super-liberal New York Times about how she was not going to support Nader in 2004.

So who the hell are these 6% of voters people? Now. Those republicans are crafty. They could always pretend they were going to vote for Nader when asked by the pollster. But in the polls it is always Kerry who loses votes when they add Nader's name to the mix. I mean why the hell would the republicans be funding Ralph Nader's campaign if they thought he was going to hurt Bush? Now, the republicans are very crafty, so they could be saying they were going to vote for Kerry and then in the second question switch to Nader. But for the life of me I don't see how that helps them. I mean if they were really that crafty they'd say they were voting for Bush that way the democrats wouldn't get so freaken scared that Nader will end up on ballots. Then come election day those six percent would stay for Bush and the democrats would be surprised.

So who the hell are these 6%. If no one who voted for Nader in the 2000 election is voting for him in 2004 then they can't be these 6%? Well, my first inclination was that it must people between 18 and 22 who couldn't have voted for Nader in the 2000 election and have decided that they wanted to exercise their right to destroy democracy in the 2004 election. But really, 18-22 year olds don't vote. I mean they vote at about .000008%; so they can't be 6% of voters.

Anyway, I've decided that we'll never know who these people are and they are obviously insane and obstinate, so it would be a waste of resources to try and talk them out of it. Which is why I propose that liberals take together a collection and have Ralph Nader murdered. We could even make it look like an accident. I think death by a product defect would be particularly ironic. I don't know what it costs to murder a celebrity, but I'm sure that MoveOn.org could raise the money. Democrats from all over the country would gladly dig into their PayPal accounts to see Ralph bite the dust. If enough money isn't raised the murder could always be videotaped and simultaneously webcast for a fee. People would gladly pay $5 to see Ralph Nader take one from an exploding shampoo bottle or defective stapler.

Did I mention how we're over the 2000 election?

Today's Headlines 7/20/04: Entertainment News

* The television show Friends was cancelled today after one of the main character, Ross, stated that he was going to vote for John Kerry. Although the other five main characters have stated that they are going to vote for George Bush, the show was cancelled for being partisan. The writer who wrote the joke is being held in Guantanamo Bay for questioning.

* Whoopie Goldberg has been fired from her position as spokesman for Slim Fast for stating that George Washington was the greatest president who ever lived. When asked why Goldberg was fired for such an innocuous comment a spokesman for Slim Fast noted that it wasn't that she stated she admired George Washington, but the way she said it. "She put the emphasis on the George, which was clearly meant to denigrate George Bush. Plus everyone knows that Whoopie Goldberg is black, so she should have said Abraham Lincoln, who was a Republican. Why didn't she pick a Republican? I mean it's unpatriotic."

* An airplane carrying documentary filmmaker Michael Moore was accidentally shot down by the Department of Homeland Security. When asked if the action had anything to do with Moore's controversial film Fahrenheit 9/11, Tom Ridge said, "Certainly not. This was a mistake made by our department. We also would like to not that mistakes can happen again, so the Dixie Chicks may want to avoid air travel."

* Fox announces new reality program: "Who wants to vote?" Cameras will follow around six voters, three democrats and three republicans as they vote. Three of the voters will be investigated by the FBI, tortured and killed for treason while the other three will win fabulous prizes including tax cuts.

* The FCC announced today that Howard Stern had entered into an agreement with the FCC to resolve their ongoing dispute. The FCC agreed not to fine Mr. Stern or have beaten to death if he agreed to stop using the word doodie, endorse Bush for President, and begin pronouncing the word nuclear as "nu-cu-ler."

Today's Headlines 7/19/04

* Hillary Clinton was offered a speaking spot at the Republican National Convention. "Senator Clinton always energizes our base. With her being cut out of the Democratic Convention we saw this as a natural fit," said one Republican spokesman. Senator Clinton was offered a prime time speaking spot in between the memorial to Ronald Reagan and the surprise appearance of the soldiers who will capture Osama Bin Laden in October. Senator Clinton, however, turned down the spot in favor of a promise by the Kerry campaign to both simultaneously speak and not speak at the Democratic Convention.

* John Kerry announces stump speech. After months of being badgered by Democratic Party insiders, Senator Kerry has finally acquiesced and has written a stump speech. The speech, which Kerry will begin to deliver in late November, has not been released to the press. One party insider told a reporter that the speech will consist entirely of saying, "Yeah, what John Edwards said."

* THe Kerry campaign has filed lawsuits in all states with Republican governors and Republican secretaries of state to decertify the election results. When asked why the Kerry campaign had filed lawsuits even thought eh election had not occurred, a campaign spokesman noted that it would not have time to respond to the massive voter disenfranchisement it was expecting in November (or December) 2004. The Bush campaign did not seem bothered by the lawsuits and promptly filed its own lawsuits in the same states requiring that only President Bush and Ralph Nader be placed on the ballot. The Supreme Court by a five to four vote has held that the Kerry lawsuits are unconstitutional because they were not filed in all fifty states, while allowing the Bush lawsuit to proceed.

* Yasser Arafat's government was thrown into turmoil over the weekend as Arafat abruptly resigned in protest over not receiving his fair share of graft within the Palestinian Authority. Arafat refused to accept his own resignation and has ordered himself to stay on as President of the Palestinian Authority or face criminal sanctions.

* The Bush-Cheney campaigned accused John Edwards of lying to voters in Florida over the weekend. Over the weekend at St. Mark's A.M.E. Church in Orlando Edwards promised that the black voters of Florida would have their votes counted in the 2004 election. President Bush noted that he had spoken with his brother, Governor Jeb Bush of Florida and knew for certain that that was not going to happen.

Today's Headlines 7/17/04

* Martha Stewart was sentenced to five months detention in the Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq. Upon hearing the news prisoners immediately filed a petition with the International Court in the Hague arguing that the detention of Martha Stewart there would violate the other prisoners' right under the Geneva Convention.

* New airport screening method released by Transportation Department. All passengers will be required to fill out a questionnaire. Sample questions released: "1. Are you a terrorist? 4. Are you going to vote for John Kerry? 17. Do you think President Bush is pretty? 28. President Bush is doing a. a superb job; b. a magnificent job; c. the best job as president since Ronald Reagan; d. I am a terrorist. 35. If a train left Baltimore at 35 miles per hour and another train left Pittsburgh at 45 miles per hour, how do we know that John Kerry would increase your taxes? 49. Saddam Hussein's capture and the war in Iraq has made America a. safer; b. safer; c. safer; d. safer." Passengers will also be required to carry matchbooks and light a cigarette when they land.

* IRS revises rules on political activities by religious charitable organizations. In order to keep tax exempt status religious organizations will now be required to endorse President Bush in the 2004 election, provide their membership lists to the Republican National Committee, and denounce all Democrats as going to hell. Special rules for Catholic churches require the refusal of communion to anyone who has ever voted Democratic or has voted for a Republican that voted against the Constitutional Amendment to ban gay marriage.

* Bush Administration announces the "Leave No Election Behind Act." The which provides that $50 billion is needed to ensure that the November 2, 2004 election can take place safely will be funded in the amount of $2,487.68. The other $49,999,997,512.32 would be used to pay for Kenneth Lay's defense and tax cut on caviar importation. "The November 2 election should not be postponed much past December." said John Ashcroft. The fundamental institution of voting within a democracy will not be altered unless absolutely necessary.

Today's Headlines 7/16/04

* Dick Cheney announced today that George W. Bush would be dropped from the ticket because of his polarizing stance against homosexual marriage. Because it is too late to hold a new Republican primary, Cheney will run as president and will if elected, continue to run the nation from the secret vice presidential bunker in Virginia. No announcement has yet been made regarding who will run as Vice President on the ticket, however, Washington insiders expect Cheney to pick Ronald Reagan. When asked if Reagan's death would be a liability to the ticket, a Republican spokesman, stated off the record that Reagan deceased could better function as a figurehead than Bush has during the past three and a half years. Preparations are already being made to prepare speeches by Reagan using file footage. Doubts about the constitutionality of a former two-term president running as vice president when Fox news broadcast that the twenty second Amendment to the Constitution had in fact been repealed.

* The Federal election Commission has prepared a contingency plan in case the United States is struck with a terrorist attack in the days before the election. In the event of a catastrophic attack, President Bush will come to Washington with the army and declare himself emperor. When asked whether that would subvert the democratic process, a White House spokesman noted that Bush declaring himself emperor was only the first stage in an very elaborate plan. On March 15, 2005 the cabinet would call a meeting with the president and stab him to death in order to restore the Republic. After this, Dick Cheney and Tom DeLay will hunt down and kill the cabinet for striking down the president. After a long and bloody war, Cheney and DeLay will rule peacefully together until a dispute over the rights of homosexuals leads to another long and bloody civil war, the result being DeLay ruling the country as emperor. John Kerry denounced the plan, then supported it, and then denounced it again.

* President Bush today in a speech stated that America was in fact safer today than it was yesterday. This caused a huge panic because of the Bush administration policy of saying everything is the opposite of what it actually is. Dick Cheney then noted that America was in fact not safer and everyone calmed down.

* Protesters of the Republican Convention in New York will be cordoned off into the Hudson. "This will address security concerns and prevent the lush lawns of New York City," stated NYC Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly. When asked whether this would adequately protect the First Amendment rights of the anti-republican protesters, Kelly stated, "I have a suspicion that five Supreme Court Justices will say that it does." At this point Kelly began laughing hysterically and ended the interview.

Today's Headlines 7/15/04

* President Bush picks former Senator Joseph McCarthy as new Director of the CIA. A senior White House official noted that while McCarthy's primary experience was in finding Communists. not terrorists, that McCarthy understood that the primary function of the CIA is to persecute Democrats and that calling them Communists or terrorists is really besides the point..

* Excerpts from CIA White Paper to President Bush released: "Mr. President. You are are pretty. You are much prettier than Bill Clinton, who wasn't actually that pretty. ... If you want to go to war with Iraq, you should do it, because you're pretty. ... You are a person. People listen to you and respect you. ... Dick Cheney isn't running the country, you are. Dick Cheney isn't pretty enough to run the country. ... Saddam Hussein doesn't think you're pretty at all. You should teach him a lesson...."

* Osama Bin Laden has turned himself in under the Saudi Arabian amnesty plan. A White House spokesman said, "What are you gonna do? The Saudis gave him amnesty and they're a key ally in the war on terror. I suppose they probably should have phrased the amnesty differently. But, no harm no foul."

* Israel announces new route for security fence. The new route will no longer go around Yasser Arafat's asshole, but will instead go up Chairman Arafat's asshole. "This new route will alleviate much suffering for the Palestinian people, many of whom need access to the asshole for work and other reasons," said a spokesman for the Sharon government. When asked whether the new route would compromise security, the spokesman stated that an extra checkpoint would be added at Arafat's balls.

* A measure to require homosexuals to wear pink stars and have their passports stamped "Fairy" was narrowly defeated in the senate today as a compromise measure was passed requiring all democrats to wear blue donkeys on their outermost clothes and have their passports stamped "Terrorist."

* The agriculture department released new guidelines for identifying people who have been infected with mad cow disease. Under an executive order signed by President Bush, people infected with mad cow disease will not be allowed to vote in the 2004 election. Symptoms include: donating money to Moveon.org; burying Bill Clinton's book "My Life"; being a homosexual; sending your children to an urban public school; and surprisingly, being a black Republican.

Today's Headlines 7/13/04

* The Department of Homeland Security, in an effort to simplify the color coded alert system announced that the new color scheme would be ad follows: Red, Redder, Reddest, More Read, If you don't vote Republican you will be take out and shot Red, and Curiously Red.

* Alternate version proposed for constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. Version 1: "Marriage is a union between a person with a penis who has not had a sex change operation and a person with a vagina who has not had a sex change operation and any state laws contrary to that fact are null and void." Version 2: "No faggot shall be allowed to marry, vote, travel, or enter the United States of America."

* Interior Department new rule on logging requires that all forests be cut down by 2007.

* New York City plans expulsion of rats in preparation of Republican convention. "Those rats are in league with the terrorists and must be purged from our fair city to protect our republican friends," said Mayor Michael Bloomberg. Under the original plan a piper was hired to lead the rats to New Jersey over the George Washington Bridge. However, structural engineers realized that the Bridge would be unable to support the weight of the rats. The new plan will be to lead the rats up Interstate 95 to Connecticut. The plan will be completed before Republican conventioneers begin arriving in the City to prevent the accidental exodus of the conventioneers following the piper with the other rats.

* The CIA will be dismantled and replaced by your neighbor who will be given a much better pair of binoculars and will now issue weekly rather than quarterly briefings to the FBI and local police.

Today's Headlines 7/12/04

* President Bush proposed an Amendment to the Constitution that would not allow Democrats to marry. Dick Cheney, whose daughter is a Democrat, stated that while he opposed Democracy and thought that Democrats should not be allowed to marry, he would not support the measure because he did not want to alienate his daughter.

* Further Revelations From Senate Report on CIA: CIA Briefings to White House Riddled with Typos. Examples: "Iraq has no weapons of mass destruction program." was accidentally transcribed as "Iraq has stockpiles of anthrax, botulism, small pox, and six or seven nuclear missiles." Also, "Saudi Arabia funded al Queda." was mistyped as "Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden had a homosexual relationship and are working together to destroy the United States."

* US Transfers Custody of Saddam Hussein to Fashion Police. Hussein to be tried in Fashion Court with Queer Eye's Carson Kressley as prosecutor, Solicitor General, Ted Olsen, as defense attorney, and Joan Rivers as the Judge.

* Parliamentary vote in Afghanistan to be delayed until announcement of capture Osama Bin Laden in October.

* Alexander Hamilton was shot and killed yesterday by Aaron Burr. Said Burr, "I capped the mother f**ker 'cause he dissed me and you don't disrespect the Burr."

* Speakers announced for Republican convention: Joseph Goebbels, David Duke, Eric Robert Rudolph, Darth Vader, Dick Cheney, and Zell Miller.

*Speakers announced for Democratic convention: Che Guevara, Karl Marx, George McGovern, Michael Dukakis, Walter Mondale, and Dennis Kucinich

Today's Headlines 7/11/04

* Florida will no longer purge black felons from voter registration lists while keeping Hispanic and white felons on the voter registration lists. New system will only purge democratic felons from voter lists while keeping republican felons on the lists. When asked what will happen to felons who are registered independent, Governor Jeb Bush stated that independent felons would be allowed to vote, but only on Diebold machines.

* John Edwards gave away his $38 million fortune to charity to solidify his standing as a populist. When asked if he would give away his fortune, John Kerry staid, "Oh no. Populism is Edwards' job on the ticket. Can't have two populists on one ticket. How would that look?" In response, Dick Cheney announced that he would double his charitable deductions this year to $145.50 over the $72.75 he gave to charity last year. George W. Bush announced that he would be giving back the $75,000 given to him by the Bin Laden family to start his first failed oil drilling business.

* The Senate Panel investigating Iraq issued a report stating the following: 1. Saddam Hussein is actually a 14 year old girl who collects daisies. 2. Iraq's army before the second Gulf War consisted of three donkeys an chicken and a bottle of aspirin. 3. The Iraqi weapon of mass destruction program consisted of a handkerchief left in Iraq by Donald Rumsfeld. 4. The CIA's investigation of Iraq consisted entirely of reading Tom Clancy novels. 5. Before the War George Tenet bet Dick Cheney $1 that he could replace the entire Iraqi investigation report with pornographic pictures without the Senate Intelligence Committee noticing. (Tenet won the bet.)

* John Kerry announced today that had he known that voting for the war would look so bad that he never would have voted for it. Kerry then announced that had he known that voting for the war would look so bad he would have voted for it anyway, but would have regretted his decision sooner. John Edwards announced that had he known that the CIA's investigation of Iraq consisted entirely of reading Tom Clancy novels that he would not have voted to go to war. Upon hearing this Kerry said, "Hey I like that. Do you mind if I use it?"

* The International Court of Justice in the Hague ruled that the Israeli Security Fence violates international law. The Court ruled that the only proper route for the fence would be along the Mediterranean Sea. Yasir Arafat stated that he was unhappy with the decision because the fence would deprive Palestinians with access to the Mediterranean for swimming vacations. Upon hearing this The Court revised its ruling to state that Palestinians would have to be compensated for losing access to the Mediterranean.

* Kenneth Lay was indicted in Houston for his role as CEO of Enron. Upon being indicted Lay stated that he was "only following orders" and that many of his "close friends" were Jewish.

Today's Headlines 7/6/04: Things I learned by Watching Fahrenheit 9/11 Not Too Closely

George Bush and Prince Bandar, the Saudi Arabian Ambassador are brothers and Prince Bandar works at CNN.

Osama Bin Laden and Barbara Bush dated at Harvard.

Saddam Hussein hid his weapons of mass destruction at the World Trade Center, which is why the Saudi Arabian government destroyed it.

Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney went to Halliburton high school in Flint Michigan and were best friends until Cheney volunteered to go into the army and Rumsfeld became an anti-war protester.

Pakistan, Iran, and North Korea never did anything to anyone ever.

The Taliban invaded Pakistan to build a gas pipeline for the Soviet Union that was financed by the Carlyle Group.

The Carlyle Group did something really bad. It might be controlled by Dr. Evil from the Austen Powers movies, or it might have been Ernst Stavro Blofeld, I fell asleep and wasn't sure.

Former president George H. W. Bush is the head of the Taliban.

President Bush is vehemently anti-smoking and that's why he hates Osama Bin Laden.

You're allowed to bring matches and lighters onto airplanes because the butane lobby is owned by the Carlyle Group.