Today's Headlines 7/6/04: Things I learned by Watching Fahrenheit 9/11 Not Too Closely

George Bush and Prince Bandar, the Saudi Arabian Ambassador are brothers and Prince Bandar works at CNN.

Osama Bin Laden and Barbara Bush dated at Harvard.

Saddam Hussein hid his weapons of mass destruction at the World Trade Center, which is why the Saudi Arabian government destroyed it.

Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney went to Halliburton high school in Flint Michigan and were best friends until Cheney volunteered to go into the army and Rumsfeld became an anti-war protester.

Pakistan, Iran, and North Korea never did anything to anyone ever.

The Taliban invaded Pakistan to build a gas pipeline for the Soviet Union that was financed by the Carlyle Group.

The Carlyle Group did something really bad. It might be controlled by Dr. Evil from the Austen Powers movies, or it might have been Ernst Stavro Blofeld, I fell asleep and wasn't sure.

Former president George H. W. Bush is the head of the Taliban.

President Bush is vehemently anti-smoking and that's why he hates Osama Bin Laden.

You're allowed to bring matches and lighters onto airplanes because the butane lobby is owned by the Carlyle Group.